The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

The Hobbit opens with a lengthy history of the Lonely Mountain, the rise of its power, the greed of its king, and finally its fall to Smaug the Dragon.  Added to this you have the fact that the elves declined to aid the Dwarves in the fight against the mighty dragon, thus explaining Thorin Oakenshield’s animus toward elves.

 

With that prologue, the story picks up with Bilbo working on his memoir of his great adventure on the very day that Gandalf is expected for his birthday party (see the beginning of Fellowship of the Ring).  It was fun – though unnecessary – to see Frodo (Elijah Woods) as he leaves Bag End to intercept Gandalf.  More importantly, this gave an opportunity for Bilbo (Ian Holm) to provide a bridge to his younger self (Martin Freeman).

 

Finally, our story begins.  Gandalf and the dwarves arrive at Bilbo’s home and enlist him into the cause of reclaiming the Lonely Mountain from Smaug.  Bilbo refuses but then chases after them to join.  The plot generally follows the book though it is massively augmented with other events in Middle Earth.  This is useful in a big picture sense but detracts from the story, especially since this is supposed to be Bilbo’s memoir.  Furthermore, many events are turned into huge battles.  The flight from the goblin caves is turned into a running fight where all of the dwarves survive essentially unscathed.  No sooner are they out of the caves than some orcs on wargs show up and the dwarves are helpless and must climb trees.  Really?

 

The band is safely carried away from the orc threat by giant eagles and deposited on a picturesque peak where they can see the Lonely Mountain in the distance.  The dwarves talk among themselves that perhaps Smaug is dead, as he hasn’t ventured out in many decades.  The movie ends with the great piles of gold suddenly disturbed to reveal the head of a dragon; Smaug yet lives.

 

Though generally enjoyable, this isn’t The Hobbit.  This is a prequel to Lord of the Rings, bringing in characters who have no business in the story and outlining events that are referenced in other works.  Radagast the Brown Wizard never appears in The Hobbit but he has a sizable role here.  Saruman (Christopher Lee) scolds Gandalf and Galadriel (Cate Blanchet) gives him tentative support.  In the book, Gandalf often vanished from the party without much explanation but the movie version isn’t going to leave that a mystery.  It is no wonder that Peter Jackson is stretching this into a three movie epic.  The Hobbit was a modest book, smaller than any of the three books of Lord of the Rings and yet we are promised as much film time as the trilogy.  Of course, the trilogy left out some things; that certainly won’t happen with The Hobbit.

 

One of the benefits of being so long is that all those dwarves get a bit of personality.  Thorin was noteworthy in the book for being the dispossessed King of the Lonely Mountain and Bombur was a plump fellow who cooked but the rest were just a collection of names.  Now Balin is an old veteran who is an adviser to Thorin.  Dwalin is a monster fighter with a bad attitude, Bofur is an amiable dwarf and friend to Bilbo, Kili is a master archer, Ori is the youngster of the bunch, and so forth.  I expect some of the ones I haven’t mentioned will get their due in the next two movies.  Each dwarf is very distinctive in appearance so that it is hard to confuse them.  I wonder if these personalities are taken from the writings of Tolkien or are they from the imaginings of Peter Jackson.

 

Despite its flaws, it is a fun movie; too much movie but still enjoyable.

 

Though I wrote this review in November 2013 - nearly a year after the movie was released, I have not seen the two other movies in the trilogy.  The first trilogy saw me in the theater during opening week but this one didn't even get me to go for that first one.  I saw it on HBO or pay per view.  Just not all that eager to see the over-inflated Jackson version of The Hobbit.

Vikingdom

The Malaysian-made Vikingdom is mostly a travesty.  The story opens with the death of our hero, Eirik Bloodletter (Dominic Purcell), King of Jomsberg.  Ten years later, Thor the Thunder God assembles an army to destroy Midgard (that would be the world of men).  Why does he want to do this?  Mostly, he seems pissed about the rise of the one God who is replacing the Norse Gods.  So as not to leave out some historical revisionism, Thor leads a fleet to attack Lindesfarne in 793 – this is the traditional start date and location for the Viking Age.  There he captures a necklace that belonged to the Virgin Mary, an artifact vital in his plans to unravel the world.

 

Meanwhile, in a Scandinavian forest, Eirik Bloodletter is living the life of a hermit.  It turns out that he had been having an affair with Freya – fertility/love goddess – and she was unwilling to let him stay dead.  However, she could never see him again after his resurrection and he abdicated his throne in favor of his brother.  Thor’s gambit has convinced Eirik to end his hermitage and seek to defeat the Thunder God.  The only thing that can stop Thor is a magic horn that is hidden in Helheim (the Norse land of the dead).  Because he has been resurrected, he is considered ‘undead,’ and can travel to and from Helheim.  He is uniquely suited to the task.

 

Eirik collects a crew in Osberg and hires a boat captained by a woman!  Most of his crew are ordinary Vikings but a couple are bizarre.  There is Brynna (Natassia Malthe), the owner of the ship who wears a leather halter top though they are often trudging through snow.  Of course, she falls in love with Eirik.  Then there is Yang the martial artist.  We first meet him as the slave of a bumpkin.  How did that come to pass?  Yang often speaks Chinese but when it is important, he speaks perfectly understandable Norse.  Why is this character here?  Along the way, they recruit Alcuin the Druid who bears some uncanny similarities to Gandalf.  Though Brynna and Yang were irritating, I liked Alcuin.  He was the wisest of the characters and acted to save the world, sometimes without informing his allies. 

 

Dominic Purcell is wooden, delivering most of his lines with a dull monotone.  Sven, his right-hand man, has a working-class British accent.  Conan Stevens in a ridiculous red wig and beard stars as an often bare-chested, skirt-wearing Thor with a ludicrous plastic hammer standing in for Mjolnir.  OMG!  How can you cast Thor as the villain?  Frey, the male fertility god, looks like a medieval drag queen.

 

At one point, when trying to recruit a crew in a shield hall, Eirik gives a monotone speech about how he’s likely to die and so is everyone who comes along, so, you know, maybe you could join me.  No St. Crispin’s Day speech there!

 

The movie does have action.  Multiple fights showcase flying sword strikes, spinning arrow dodges, leaping archery, bear-wrestling, and plentiful blood.  Of course, the fighting has no resemblance to the actual tactics of the era.  I was astonished at how few shields there were.  When there was a shield wall – a standard tactic that is shown in the Vikings TV series on History – they use kite shields rather than the large round shields.  The axes are not Viking axes.  The swords are not Viking swords.  It is as if no one even cracked open a single history book on the subject; perhaps that is how Thor got cast as a villain.  On the positive, I would have loved this movie when I was twelve.

The Gamers: Hands of Fate

A new Gamers movie is out and it is mostly good stuff. Our story opens with Brother Silence the Monk, Luster the Sorceress, Daphne the Fighter, Sir Osric the Paladin, and Flynn the Bard storming into the lair of The Shadow, the chief villain of a longstanding campaign. The Shadow begins his villainous monologue when a phone starts ringing. All stare at Luster and insist she not answer it. Once the phone stops, The Shadow resumes his monologue but the phone rings again. Luster answers.

Cass (Brother Silence), Gary (Luster), Joanna (Daphne), Lodge (Sir Osric), and Leo (Flynn) are seated around a table with gaming stuff scattered. Cass proposes they continue next week but Leo (who is also owner of the gaming shop) says all his tables are booked for Romance of the Nine Empires, a card game not unlike Magic: The Gathering. Cass, a true RPG player, has a low opinion of card gamers. However, Natalie, a pretty redhead, shows up for the card tournament and suddenly he is interested.

The movie follows Cass's initiation into card gaming under the tutelage of Leo, who was heavily into the Romance of the 9 Empires in the early days and has an impressive card collection. In order to get a date with Natalie, he must win the High Throne for the Queen of Holden at GenCon. Cass accepts the challenge. The rest of the film takes place at GenCon where Cass disses Live Action Role Playing (LARP) that is associated with the card game. It struck me as odd that a card could be `killed off' at the big tournament though I am quite familiar with the introduction of new cards. It was also interesting that there was a history of the setting that evolved from GenCon to GenCon.

The card game format makes the in-game sequences repetitive. Cass plays the same deck and the same heroes go on the same quests. However, Myriad (the primary hero in his deck) becomes aware that she is repeating herself, that her fate is not in her hands. Whereas the in-game parts of the previous movies were comedy and farce, this setting is played straight.

Meanwhile, Gary is obsessed with Chibichan, an obvious Pikachu knockoff, who walks the con and says "Chibichan" incessantly. Gary has imagined conversations with this fluffy pink bunny and eventually attacks it. He is ejected from GenCon by security; that GenCon security is provided by Star Wars Stormtroopers was awesome!  Gary's bizarre obsession was the weakest part of the movie and a bit disturbing too. The attacks get pretty extreme. Gary should be in prison. Not funny.

The movie concludes with The Shadow once again delivering his villainous monologue and providing a clear need for a sequel.

Though not a collectible card gamer and having no interest in becoming one, I still enjoyed the movie. It was fun to see Cass being a jerk to a different set of gamers. The acting was surprisingly good for this sort of film. Many cast members of JourneyQuest find their way into this film, most notably the masked assassin shows up as the heroine Myriad and one of the orcs is her elfin love interest, Dundareel. Generally good stuff and recommended. The Gamers: Hands of Fate is available free online:

The Road of Azrael

This Robert E. Howard story opens with Kosru Malik in the camp of an aspiring Persian leader named Muhammad Khan. However, a clash with a hated foe among the camp followers leads to Kosru's hasty flight. He hides from a small caravan headed toward the camp and is surprised to see a Frankish girl among them. He continues his flight and meets Sir Eric de Cogan, an English knight. Normally, Kosru was not fond of `Franks' but Sir Eric was different. Ten years earlier, Sir Eric had saved him during the sack of Jerusalem (1099 AD) so Kosru gladly pledges himself to his service. Moments later, he discovers that Sir Eric is chasing after Ettaire de Brose, the Frankish girl, who was sold to Mohammad Khan. Seeing only death at the end of such a quest, Kosru nonetheless guides Sir Eric.

The pair manage to snatch the girl in the night but are soon caught by Ali bin Sulieman and his band of 500 Arabs. While Eric and Kosru were busy tracking Ettaire, Muhammad's Kurdish cavalry was herding Ali and his men into a trap. Sir Eric convinces Ali to join forces in order to escape the trap; he has just been in the enemy camp and has key information. Ali grudgingly accepts. The early morning battle of Ali's Arabs vs. Muhammad's troops soon turns into a route after Ali bin Sulieman is cut down. However, Sir Eric, Kosru, and Ettaire escape.

Fleeing south and east, the trio soon comes to the Persian Gulf. Surprisingly, a mixed band of shipwrecked Vikings and Saxons confront them. They are led by King Harold Godwinson, who supposedly died when William the Conqueror invaded England in 1066. Both the Saxons and the Vikings want to leave the trio to their fate but King Harold decides otherwise for the sake of Ettaire. The epic final battle finds Muhammad leading his 500 men against the 100 Saxons and Vikings. Sir Eric chose the ground well so that the battle is all afoot and King Harold's shield wall proves to be death for men used to fighting on horseback.

When Kosru slays Muhammad in battle, the Persians retreat. Only a handful of Harold's men remain but another Viking ship lands on the beach. Kosru sees that the unconscious Sir Eric and Ettaire are safely on the ship before he rides off. He traveled the Road of Azrael and lived (Azrael is the Angel of Death).

This is a fun and lively story, told in first person from Kosru's point of view. There is plenty of action, entertaining chases, and great atmosphere. However, it has some serious problems. The idea of King Harold Godwinson being on a Viking ship in the Persian Gulf at the age of 87 is ludicrous. First, he died in 1066. Well, the story says he lived. But then, why would he be here? His sons both sought to reclaim their father's kingdom but Harold remained `dead' through that? I did like that he had only one eye since it is reported that he took an arrow in the eye during the battle. How is it that he is fighting in the shield wall and survives? 87 back in 1109 is downright ancient and wouldn't be able to last an extended battle. Also, as he did in Spears of Clontarf, Howard has put horns on the Viking helmets; there were no horns. Lastly, and perhaps most egregious, how did the Viking ships get to the Persian Gulf? They would have to have found portage for their ships across the Suez into the Red Sea and then sailed around the Arabian Peninsula. For what purpose? Obviously, to be on hand should some unfortunates need to be rescued. That is just crazy.

The Hobgoblin

The movie opens with King Ator of Aquiles observing the execution of criminals with his wife and son. His son is also named Ator. The Kings of Aquiles have been granted a magic sword by the God Thorn. Ator engages in melee with two criminals, offering them a pardon if they can overcome the magic sword; neither does. At this point, both the goddess Dejanira and Thorn arrive. Thorn wants to revoke the sword while Dejanira argues that Ator is a good and wise king and should be allowed to keep it. Thorn is unconvinced by the goddess and demands the sword. Ator refuses and Thorn kills him with a javelin, breaking the sword in the process. Hmm, starting to doubt he was a `wise' king. For her impertinence, Dejanira is imprisoned by the gods.

Sunn, Ator's wife, takes her young son to Grindl the evil-looking dwarf. She requests that he raise Ator as he would his own son and mend the shards of the broken sword so that Ator might one day reclaim his kingdom. Moreover, she wants him to help her commit suicide. Huh? Yes, apparently the wife of a king is supposed to die with him. Grindl gives her what he claims to be poison but which is instead a love potion. He has his way with her and sends her away. The gods, angry that she did not die with her husband, curse her to wander the lands as a whore.

Our story picks up again when Ator is an adult, played by the same actor who played the father. Ator reclaims the magic sword by repairing it himself. This was awesome since he just heated the two broken halves, hammered them together, and plunged it in water. Voila! It is as good as new! Next, he rescues Dejanira whom he deeply loves for no apparent reason. She is now mortal, her godly powers having been stripped from her. They set upon a vague quest but are distracted from it and the movie devolves into confusion.

This is the 4th Ator movie though Miles O'Keeffe didn't reprise the role. This does not improve the acting. Ator is amazingly dense. Twice, he is given the magic sword by Grindl and both times he tries to kill the evil dwarf, shattering the fake sword (Grindl has been taking care of Ator for the last decade or so but has earned no good will from his ward?). Okay, the first time I could accept but the second proved he was a dullard. Repeatedly, Ator's allies see things for what they are and don't tell Ator so he can figure it out for himself.

Early on, there was a woman who repeatedly came to Ator and told him what he must do. Who is she? Is she some goddess? She can polymorph and has knowledge of Ator's past but she is never explained. After Ator has gained the sword, she tells him to be prepared and announces they will never meet again. Why not? Who are you again?

The fights are poorly choreographed and it is funny when Ator slices a heavily armored fellow across the abdomen, leaving not a mark on his armor, but nonetheless killing him. Dejanira is armed with a bow and has arrows lashed across her back but, despite multiple fights, never fires a single arrow. But she does use the bow as a club. Ator's sword is ludicrous. It has this insanely intricate and over-large hilt guard. Also, the sword looks like it is made of chrome.

The sets are pathetic. Mostly, everything is in caves. The opening scene has King Ator in a cave. Grindl lives in a cave. Later, Ator enters a cave where he finds the `greatest treasures of the west' guarded by some pathetic monsters. Dejanira is hidden away in… a cave. Don't these people build anything? There is a castle for the final act, which must be where the majority of the sets budget was spent.

The movie is probably called Hobgoblin because of the repetitive use of the same makeup on the dwarf. At one point, he is the god Thorn, then we see him as Grindl the dwarf, and finally as Hagen the other evil dwarf, all played by the same actor. As with the Ator films before it, this one is an Italian sword and sorcery travesty, outdoing its three predecessors in bad acting, bad filming, and general incoherence. Good for laughs if you are into really bad movies.

Hawks over Egypt

It is Cairo in the year 1021 and two men chance upon one another in a dark alley. Harsh words are traded as one accuses the other of following him. Before blades can clash, three Sudani attack. The would-be foes join forces to defeat these three. Al Afdahl the Turk admits his error in accusing de Guzman of following him and the two go for a drink and hatch a plot that will benefit both. De Guzman is a Spaniard out to avenge the slaughter of his family and, as luck would have it, al Afdahl wants the same man dead for other reasons. With the Turk as his guide, de Guzman slays Zahir el Ghazi in single combat. However, Ghazi revealed that Spain was doomed because Al Hakim, the Caliph, is planning a massive attack that will sweep away Castile. To save Spain, he must now kill the Caliph but al Afdahl will not aid him in this and demands he leave Cairo.

Elsewhere, Zaida the Venetian slave girl had been tossed into the streets and discovered by Al Hakim himself! He had banned women from the streets of Cairo and he planned to make her death a harsh lesson. Zaida changes his mind with her feminine wiles but soon thereafter, she discards her to the leader of his Sudani warriors who, in turn, sells her to her worst rival, an Arab princess who wants nothing more than to torture and mutilate poor Zaida. Things look bleak indeed.

Like the Spears of Clontarf, this story is based in history though it paints a different picture than history tells. Al Hakim was indeed Caliph who vanished in 1021 though his bloody clothes were discovered in the desert near Cairo. This story purports to explain how that came to pass. I don't know enough specific history about the region to level any complaints as regards the accuracy of the general details of the story. The narrative is much better than Clontarf as it follows primarily Diego de Guzman and Zaida. It is a very engaging tale with lots of exciting fights, excessive bloodletting, and even a naked slave girl. Great stuff!

Gamer Chick

This web series, currently in its second season, details the trials and tribulations of Gia, the titular gamer chick. The story opens in game as Nin the Thief is blasted by a spell. The party healer revives her. Moments later, she takes an arrow to the chest. Gia, Nin's player, demands a private conversation with Colin the DM. She asks if he's mad at her. It turns out they are boyfriend and girlfriend. Bad goes worse and they break up then and there. Gia storms out. The other gamers soon follow, preferring Gia to Colin. Sans Colin, gaming resumes the following Saturday.

Unlike The Gamers series where roughly half is in game and half out, this series is mostly out. There is no plot or discernible storyline in game. However, one classic bit was when every monster looked like Colin. A considerable number of episodes concerns Gia's dating life. This is sometimes funny but mostly forced. The slapstick elements are particularly bad.

Of note, I have no idea what game they are playing. There appear to be humans, elves, and fairies. I'm a bit unclear on the classes. Gia plays a thief. Magic Users can cast healing spells. It's all very vague, probably because not a lot of time is spent in game.

It is mildly entertaining and, seeing the higher production values of the second season, it promises to improve. Worth a look.