The Ash Lad: In the Hall of the Mountain King (2017)

Princess Kristin (Eili Harboe) was nearing her 18th birthday and her parents insisted that she get married lest the troll king carry her off.  As the saying went, a princess who did not marry by 18 would be abducted by a troll who would marry her.  Kristin thought that was nonsense.  Besides, she did not want to marry the odious Prins Fredrik (Allan Hyde).  Thus, she ran away.

Espen (Vebjorn Enger) was the youngest of three brothers who lived with their father.  He was not a practical young man, usually distracted by unimportant things.  In fact, given the task of getting food for the family, he lost most of it during a chance encounter with a strange girl (i.e., Princess Kristin) who ate much of the food as she was famished.  Left to guard the house while his father and brothers went hunting, he managed to burn the house down.

Meanwhile, Kristin discovered, to her great surprise, that the tale was true.  The mountain king awoke from his slumber, stomped through the forest, snatched her from the woods, and returned her to his mountain cave.

Determined to reclaim his bride, Prins Fredrik and his entourage happened upon the burned ruins and asked about Princess Kristin.  There was a reward.  The three brothers were soon trekking into the woods to find the princess.  Strangely enough, the sober and hard-working brothers were more often foiled in their efforts while Espen had a knack for solving each trouble they faced.  He would collect junk along the trail, junk that would later prove invaluable in overcoming the latest obstacle.

Can Espen and his brothers rescue Princess Kristin before the Mountain King marries her?  Can they get there before Prins Fredrik?  Can they get the reward that would allow for the rebuilding of the house?

Light and fun.  Recommended.

Red Sonja (2025)

In a quaint Hyrkanian town filled with peaceful, well-dressed and productive people, an ethnically diverse collection of children play.  One child, a red-headed girl, has a wooden horse.  Then, the barbarians arrived, bursting through the pathetic gate - entirely by surprise in the middle of the day - and slaughtering or enslaving the inhabitants.  The red-headed girl - let's call her Sonja - escaped into the woods.  Unspecified years later, Sonja (Matilda Lutz) traveled through the forest on her beloved horse, Veehud.  Her goal: to locate the survivors of her people.  On this particular day, she encountered a band of poachers, who killed some forest beasts for the horns on their heads.  This shall not stand.  Sonja hunted them to a burned and denuded section of the forest where a wooden fort now stood.

Draygan (Robert Sheehan) had been a slave, but has since risen to become a conquering emperor.  The secret of his success is a peculiar book, though he only possessed half of it.  Draygan has the standard army of black-clad knights, a baboon-looking General Karlak (Marty Ford), a former gladiator/mistress Annisia (Wallis Day), and scientist/alchemist Maester Crudelis (Trevor Eve).  Draygan has managed to conquer territory with his machines, one of which looks like a tank.  He also has mind-control disks and a power generator that reminds one of Ironman's arc reactor.  Yes, exactly what one expects in Robert E Howard's Hyborean Age.

Into this fortress Sonja ventured to kill the poachers and to free the forest animals that had been captured.  Though the poachers were killed, Annisia subdued her in battle.  Sonja was enslaved and sent to the arena, where she was sent to her first battle in a chainmail bikini and with a wooden sword; it was for humiliation, not protection.  Reduced to this sad state, can Sonja escape enslavement and rescue the forest from the depredations of Emperor Draygan?

The origin story of Red Sonja has been abandoned.  In the comic, Sonja's family is murdered, while she is raped and left for dead.  A war goddess bequeathed her unmatched fighting skills so that she could exact vengeance.  But there was a condition: she could never lie with a man who had not beaten her in a fair fight.  None of that appears here.  Instead, she has been a hermit in the forest for untold years where she just naturally picked up tremendous martial talents.  A goddess does eventually intervene to save her - or perhaps resurrect her - but the requirement was that she save the forest.  Yeah, it's some nature goddess who is concerned about how humans are mistreating the environment.  No message there.

The book proved to be a holy scripture of the nature goddess.  Really?  For some reason, the first half provided brilliant technical insights that allowed Draygan to rise from slavery.  Imagine what he could do with the whole book!  Well, the second half of the book was entirely about healing.  The whole point of preventing him from getting the book was nonsense.  What was that prophecy again?  Ugh.

Why is Sonja such a great fighter?  How does a 5 1/2 foot tall woman with no armor easily defeat four 6' tall soldiers in heavy armor.  That was her first fight in the arena.  Did she go to some warrior training school during her time in the forest?

Matilda Lutz is miscast.  The whole point of Sonja is the chainmail bikini.  The comic was about having a hot chick in martial combat while wearing almost nothing.  The character is meant to appeal to a male audience.  Lutz is an attractive woman but she does not fill out the bikini.  She is a slender woman where someone with more of an hourglass figure was needed.  Worse still, the script did her no favors with flat dialogue and no character arc.  Bland.

Rhona Mitra, who plays a fellow slave and arena fighter, had a small role.  She is most noted for serving as a model for Lara Croft in the 1990s and being the lead in Doomsday (2008).  It's an Obi-Won Kenobi like role, where she imparts some wisdom before being killed off.

The movie had been in developmental hell for 20 years and this was the script and cast that they decided to move forward?  Astonishing.  Skip.

Four Warriors (2015)

Three crusaders and their prisoner trek through Europe on the way home.  Richard (Christopher Dane) is the leader, William and Hamish his allies, and Khushtar the Saracen prisoner.  Why are they taking Khushtar to England?  He's used as a pack animal.  One day, they came upon a village populated only by women and a single child.  The women say that creatures have stolen the men and children.  Richard concluded it was likely slavers.  He deigns to remain a couple of days to scare off the slavers, but soon discovers that something dark is in the woods.  The old woman says only the Four Warriors can save them now.  She indicates Richard, William, Hamish, and Khushtar!

A low budget fantasy movie, it rises to the level of mediocre.  Of course, the hero is a man who has renounced God and views the crusades as wrong.  Yes, let's get that anti-Crusades propaganda in the film.  No need to talk about how Muslims conquered Christian lands from the Middle East, Northern Africa, the Iberian Peninsula, and still pressed against Byzantium.  Nope.  Crusaders were in the wrong.  Hey, they've even enslaved the unfortunate Khushtar and use him as a mule.  By contrast, Khushtar proves to be completely honorable and trustworthy.  Heck, he even heals the worst of the crusaders, William.

The choreography is poor.  Despite waves of black-clad villains with 'scary' masks, our heroes stand toe to toe against them, neither getting killed nor killing.  Yes, it is like the A-Team where the fights result in no injuries, but the villains eventually run away.

Adding another modern message, Richard gets together with Alina, the single mom.  Well, that was common in the era as mortality was high.  Not in her case.  She explained to Richard that she met a Crusader who was on his way to the Holy Land some years ago and that she had a son with him.  Oh, so a random guy was passing through.  How did Alina get to be the leader of this village with that in her background?  This is the Middle Ages.

Hard pass.

Warlord (2025)

The city of Lloris was built and ruled by elves for millennia.  Then the humans came to trade.  Then they settled.  Finally, they moved against the elves and forced them from their ancient city.  Today, the elves are viewed as legend, not seen in two centuries.

Elwynn Brokenleaf (Stuart Brennan) and Tyfell Fallenoak (Richard Goss) are wood elves out on a hunt.  While ranging near the ancient city, they spot a naked human flee through the woods.  The man, Cameron, is brought down by other humans.  The humans castrate him, apply hot tar, and then a basket of feathers.  They leave him to die.  Tyfell left an apple at the man's side though Elwynn thought it a waste.

Lloris is now ruled by the sheriff (Billy Boyd) and his yellow-clad goon squad.  Each day, taxes are raised, putting out business after business.  The castrated man had been a baker who could not pay the tax; the punishment was extreme.  Emily (Aliona Baranova) is something of a leader among the people, aiding other bakers in paying the taxes.  Cameron has slipped back into town and tells his tale of elves and apples.  Emily takes the apple and has a grand plan.

Emily's parents had ruled the city before the sheriff came.  She was too young to know how the sheriff replaced her parents.  However, her parents had a fondness for elf things - like goblets - and knew some elf lore.  One thing Emily remembered was how to summon elves:

As once we were lost, together we may be found, let us come to speak and find common ground

She spoke the words at the foot of a great tree in the woods with the elfin apple as a focus.  Sure enough, an elf appeared.  Llanofinn Brokenleaf (Jennifer English) was not happy to talk to a human and had little sympathy for her plight.  Nonetheless, she agreed to consult with the elves and give an answer about aiding against the tyrannical sheriff.

The characters are mostly bland.  Billy Boyd doesn't sell himself as a villain.  Sure, he delivers bad guy lines, but has the face of a friendly hobbit.  Stuart is flat as Elwynn, which kind of works but also makes him boring.  He offers all sorts of sage wisdom to the young Tyfell and takes everything at a slow walk.  Emily is explained backwards.  Her oddly high status among the bakers is not explained until we learn of her origins.  Her friend Sam likewise gets major character development in the climax.  These revelations should not be surprises, since all the citizens know them and only the viewer is left in the dark.

The story progresses at a snail's pace and there is very little action.  When there is action, it is typically a case where the elf fires the bow then we cut to see a man with an arrow in him.  Same goes for sword cuts.  Slash with sword, cut to man with bloody gash.  When the elvish sword dancer arrives, she spins in close up.  No choreography at all.  Despite being set in a fantasy setting, there was very little action.  It is very talky.  So much dialogue.

The movie ends with a massive plot twist, a flipping of the table and a backstab extraordinaire.  The twist does not end the story but demands more story that does not come.  Nope, movie over.  Was this made with a sequel in mind?

Slow and plodding.  Skip.

A Knight's War (2025)

Bhodie (Jeremy Ninaber) woke from a nightmare.  In it, he saw a woman and her red-haired daughter burned at the stake.  He himself arrived in the aftermath.  While the mother had been burned to death, the daughter was unharmed; she was fireproof.  When he reached out to the daughter, she attacked him, which was when he awoke.  Bhodie's brother, William (Matthew Ninaber), asked about the nightmare and was unsurprised when his brother lied.  The two men were knights on a quest.  They sought to fulfill the prophecy that foretold of a Chosen One, a red-headed woman, who would bring the light (in a divine sense) back to the realm.  They arrived at a dark tower where a dark ritual was being performed.  They sneaked into the fortress in exactly the way plate mail-clad paladins would not.  Soon, the battle raged as the brothers fought cultists and sought to save the red-haired woman about to be sacrificed to darkness.  And failed.  There was only one choice left.  William stabbed Bhodie with the sacrificial blade and dumped him into the pool of blood, same as the redhead.

Bhodie awoke in a dark realm where he met the Gatekeeper (Shane Nicely).  The Gatekeeper explained that there was only one way to escape: he must capture three stones from three guardians.  The keeper offered a deal: allow the keeper to accompany him out of this hell, in exchange for an amulet that would allow Bhodie to respawn.  Bhodie accepted and immediately encountered Avalon (Kristen Kaster), the redhead who had been sacrificed; Bhodie recognized her as the daughter from his nightmare.  She did not act nobly and denied the light.  How could she be the Chosen One?  Despite his growing doubts, Bhodie joined forces with Avalon to secure the three stones and thereby bring light back to the world.

The movie is dark and moody.  There is virtually no levity to break the oppressive doom.  The funniest bits are when Bhodie keeps dying when fighting the witches.  Not really funny, just mildly amusing as a gaming trope.  Kind of reminds you of Groundhog Day when Phil had the montage of deaths.  The fight choreography is generally good.  The costumes are quite good, though colorless.  Most of the characters are dressed in dark colors that add to the gloomy color palette of the cinematography.  As for the three guardians, the first proves to be the biggest challenge, which is weird.  Indeed, the next two were relatively easy.  Psychological battles rather than physical ones.  Meh.

Just okay.

Beowulf & Grendel (2005)

A troll and his son were enjoying the outdoors when suddenly a band of riders appeared.  The troll scooped up his son and raced toward the shore.  It was a cliff far above the sea; there was no escape.  He hid his son on a ledge and turned to face the Danes.  Spears, arrows, and fire forced him over the cliff to his death.  Hrothgar (Stellan Skarsgard) looked over the ledge to the dead troll but spotted the child.  What to do?  He left the child and rode away with the others.  Nearly 20 years later, the young troll, Grendel, attacked Hrothgar's newly built hall.  Though Hrothgar himself tried to fight the troll, it ignored him; it only killed his men, specifically Danes.

Over the sea in Geatland, Beowulf (Gerald Butler) and his friends discussed the good times in Geatland.  With all well in the lands, the king agreed that Beowulf and his men should aid Hrothgar in his time of need.  Though Beowulf repeatedly sought battle with the troll, it refused to fight him or his men.  He had given in no reason to kill him.  Hrothgar had not revealed his history with the troll's father.  Beowulf consulted a witch, Selma (Sarah Polley), to discover how to fight the troll.  Eventually, he and his men provide a reason for the troll to kill them.

The movie does a good job with the setting.  The gear, ships, armor, clothing, buildings, and such fit in the early 6th century.  However, the geography is wrong for Denmark.  It is far too rugged and craggy; it was filmed in Iceland.  Though Beowulf has plenty of ego, this version of him also has humility.  He's not nearly the boaster like Ray Winstone's Beowulf (2007).  However, his reputation precedes him wherever he goes.  Even when he is washed ashore near a humble fisherman's wharf, the fisherman knew the tales of Beowulf.

The story is faithful to the source material, but adds a lot too.  After Grendel has died, there follows a battled with Grendel's mother.  She had been shown as an eventual foe when they sailed; her pale white hand would grab men near the rail and try to drag them into the sea.  In the poem, the death of Grendel's mother concluded the troubles.  It does here too, but there are loose ends.  Grendel had a son himself and Beowulf - like Hrothgar before him - was unable to kill the child.  Will a new vengeance cycle start in another decade or so?

It is strange to embrace trolls and sea hags but then have no magic.  The witch says she can foretell death, which appears true.  Was the sword that Beowulf grabbed from her stash a magic one, thus being able to kill the sea hag?  Maybe.  That there was mention of Clovis (466-511) and the presence of Father Brendan (Eddie Marsan) put it firmly in the historical setting, rather than mythical.

Just okay.

Dungeon Soup

Here is a channel that any D&D gamer should bookmark.  The animated shorts are hilarious.  The central character is Chaotic Good Barbarian, a super-high-level block of muscle who defeats the current monster in a humiliating battle.  There are also shorts about Kevin the Paladin.  He is a wimpy and hapless fellow who frequently crosses over with CG Barbarian.  Gnome Quest follows a band of gnomes on a quest; it delivers what it promises.  Of note, the lead gnome is basically Nick Cage.  However, the greatest of all the shorts is Vampire's New Lair.

Highly recommended.