Dragon Blade

Huo An (Jackie Chan) is the captain of the Silk Road Protection Squad.  He seeks to keep the peace on the Silk Road in the 1st Century AD.  However, he and his squad are falsely accused of assisting smugglers and exiled to the Wild Geese Gate.  He has hardly arrived when a Roman Legion marches toward the city.  Huo An rides out to confront the leader, General Lucius (John Cusack).  The two fight to a stand still but Huo An offers sanctuary for the Romans at the Wild Geese Gate.  It turns out that Lucius has fled the Roman Empire in order to protect Publius, a child who is the usurped heir.  Publius's elder brother Tiberius (Adrian Brody) has brought an immense army to kill his errant brother and also seize control of the Silk Road.

 

The movie is ludicrous.  There was no historical advisor.  The Roman tactics have nothing to do with how Roman soldiers fought.  Unit cohesion is non-existent.  The Roman armor is the wrong.  The boy who played Publius looked only marginally more Roman than Jackie Chan does.  The script is rubbish.  There are far too many of the cornball Asian movie tropes included in a movie that is meant to be serious.  The plot is needlessly overcomplicated.  The acting is mediocre at best.  Many of the lines that the characters have to deliver are awkward or silly.  Most importantly, there was no Dragon Blade or anything that in anyway explains the title.

 

I like Jackie Chan and John Cusack but they can't save this turkey.  Avoid this movie.

The Sword and the Sorcerer

Here is the classic fantasy that is infamous for the triple-bladed sword. Oh, this was SO cool at the time. Imagine a sword that fired swords! And it probably did like triple the damage because it had 3 blades! In hindsight, it is silly. However, it sees limited use in the film, which is probably for the best.

Our story opens as King Titus Cromwell (Richard Lynch in one of his classic villain roles) lands on a distant shore and descends into the ancient tomb of Xusia the Sorcerer (Richard Moll in demonic makeup) . He has brought a witch with him who revives the sorcerer. Cromwell has 3 times tried to defeat King Richard of Ehdan and three times been repulsed. He needs the conjuring of such a famous and powerful sorcerer to topple King Richard. No sooner has Xusia made Cromwell's victory certain than Cromwell tries to kill Xusia. Grievously wounded, Xusia escapes by hurling himself from a cliff. Cromwell kills King Richard, his wife, and most of his children. Only Prince Talon escapes thanks to the triple-bladed sword. 11 years later, Prince Micah (Simon MacCorkindale) plots to overthrow Cromwell but he is betrayed and captured. His sister, Alana, escapes the betrayal thanks to the intervention of Talon (Lee Horsley), who is not currently carrying the triple sword. She enlists his aid in rescuing her brother. He agrees but has his own score to settle with Cromwell.

Horsley does a better job at being a medieval swordsman than I would have expected. He brings a lot of charm and humor to the role and even has a few good lines. In fact, the story is quite good and surprisingly well developed. There are lots of characters with conflicting goals; oh, the plotting and conspiring! I particularly enjoyed the Cromwell vs. Xusia dynamic. Purge a few silly and stupid aspects and this could be a really good film.

This is occasionally available on YouTube.

Sorceress

Mira and Mara are twins, born to the villainous Traigon who must sacrifice his firstborn to the goddess Caligara. The wizard Krona grants the sisters great power when they are newborns, imbuing them so that they are 'The Two who are One.' This later figures in the girls being able to synchronize their combat moves and be aware of where the other is when they are separated (it's like a built in locate person). This is used to awkward comic effect when one is having sex and the other feels it. Uh huh. Well, this is a Roger Corman production so that sort of thing is to be expected. Along the way, Baldar the Viking, Pando the Satyr, and Erlick the Barbarian join the sisters.

The world is a bizarre mishmash that doesn't fit together well. Filmed in Mexico, it is not surprising that there is an Aztec quality to set design and even a Mayan influence to the calendar. Baldar, who is a stereotypical Viking, shows up with a 'Babylonian' sword that has been specially made to be stronger than iron. He describes the technique: it's a steel sword. So, steel is just arriving. Though not in common use at the time, steel dates back 4,000 years. Certainly by the time of the Vikings, steel swords were expensive but hardly unique. In addition to the Satyr (whose only word is 'bahhh') from Greek myth, we have some ape men who haunt a misty forest, undead in the catacombs, a deity named Veetal who looks like a cross between a lion, and a centaur, and Caligara who appears to be a woman with half of her face looking reptilian and the other half normal. Yes, it is an odd setting.

It is not by chance that Playboy models were recruited to the film. There are plenty of times when the entirely immodest twins strip down for no particular reason. There is also a scene at a brothel with more hardly-clad women displaying their wares. Heck, there is even a scene with Erlick stripped down.

The movie title makes no sense. There isn't a sorceress in the film. According to the IMDB trivia, Corman gave a list of titles to some college students and "Sorceress" got the most votes. The script may have been assembled in a similar fashion. Here is a film that aspired to be mediocre and fell short. Even so, I got a laugh watching it.

 

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The Throne of Fire

This 1983 Italian Sword and Sorcery epic opens with Satan's messenger impregnating a reluctant witch.  The resulting child, Morak, will someday sit upon the Throne of Fire as the new king unless...  Sadly, his mother dies before she reveals the entire prophecy, which is strange since he has already slain the king and usurped the throne.  However, none may sit upon the throne itself who is not a lawful king; Morak demonstrates the point by having a skeptical noble sit on the throne and promptly burst into flames.  Talk about a hot seat.  Morak's only option is to marry the king's daughter, Princess Valkari.

Standing against Morak is Siegfried the warrior who spends more time getting captured than he does rescuing the princess.  In fact, it is amazing how much of the film involves his latest efforts at escape, which are almost immediately followed by his recapture.  If Morak had just killed him instead of trying to come up with some clever Batman deathtrap, he would have succeeded.

Princess Valkari is a gorgeous blonde who spends almost the entire film running around in a leather bikini.  That alone makes this a film worth watching.  However, her outfit and Siegfried's equally skimpy outfit do not fit the setting.  There is mention of Odin and the very fact that the hero is Siegfried calls Norse Mythology to mind.  Yet Siegfried is dressed more like Arnold in Conan than a Viking.

Mostly weak and unimpressive but Princess Valkari is great eye candy.  Available on YouTube:

 

AFK

Q wakes up to find that she is her online character. She is stuck in game as an elf ranger. The NPCs and monsters are all gone, only other players who have also been stuck in game are around. Some characters, such as Brendon the Wizard, are particularly disadvantaged as magic no longer functions. Rather than a powerful wizard, he is just a portly human with a staff. Of course, there are characters who find themselves very different from their real world versions. Mabel is playing a male gnome and finds peeing awkward and embarrassing. Stephen now finds himself as a barely clothed woman who is regularly targeted for rape.

The show explores what might happen if random players from around the world suddenly became their characters. It was funny to see Stephen declare that she's an American while Vanya the Russian forced her to join his gang. The rule of law has no meaning in the game; this is the rule of might. The show is an interesting mix of comedy and drama. I particularly enjoyed when the character who was a zombie started dancing like she was in Thriller. And then some other player shot her through the head. Comedy and tragedy. Death in game is a real mystery. Is it a means of escaping the game or do you really die? This is not the first 'stuck in game' series but it does it well based on its budget.

 

The series has a YouTube page.

The Wizards of Aus

This series has the greatest opening of any web series ever!  A mountain fortress is being assaulted by hordes of orcs and goblins.  Blood and gore are everywhere.  A dragon takes flight from a nearby peak.  As the camera soars over the vast melee, it zooms in to show us a sassy female archer.  She stabs an orc in the eye with a pair of arrows before spinning around and planting those two arrows in a pair of approaching orcs.  Yeah, she's high level to be doing this.  Then she turns to find someone is arriving via teleport.  Friend or foe?  She aims an arrow.  It's Jack!  The archer offers sassy banter in the midst of battle.  What follows is awesome.

Tired of his life in the wizards' realm, Jack decided to migrate to... Melbourne, Australia.  With occasional flashbacks to his life in the wizards' realm, the series details Jack's efforts to adjust to life in Melbourne.  Of course, this is made quite difficult since his arch-nemesis, Skulldrich, has moved in next door in an effort to get him to return to the wizards' realm.  The constant, over-the-top villainy of Skulldrich is awesome.

The effects are amazingly good.  From the CGI to the makeup, it was all very professional.  The show even managed to get Guy Pearce to star in the first episode.  There are constant corny references to recent movies in the fantasy genre.  There is a scene with a deciding hat, Jack says he is glad he can get mail without being inundated by owls, there is a guy with a flaming skull in a leather jacket.  No, not Ghost Rider.  He is Ghost Writer.  Nice.  We have a Conan-like guy, a mummy who keeps talking about staring with Brendan Frasier in... Monkey Bone.  Jack himself is basically a young Gandalf, complete with pipe and floppy wizard's hat.  The show's conclusion is very strange and puts further episodes in doubt.  Even so, highly recommended for all the antics that preceded it.

 

Ren: The Girl with the Mark

Our story opens with Lyanna and Hunter stealing a peculiar lamp that doesn't seem to offer much light.  As they flee though the woods, they are pursued by red-clad soldiers known as the Kah'Nath, an order that 'protects' the people from the 'marked ones.'  Hunter leads the soldiers away from Lyanna so she can escape with the peculiar lamp.

Next we meet Ren.  She drawing a stag in the woods when Karn suddenly holds a knife to her throat.  He scolds her for not being more wary but she blithely dismisses his concern.  Karn is something of a mentor to Ren, having taught her archery.  He lives in the woods away from the village and is viewed as dangerous.  Back in the village, Ren discovers some Kah'Nath soldiers who are searching for Lyanna.  Their presence triggers an argument between her and her father.  She flees town only to stumbled into Lyanna and Hunter just as they are fighting a contingent of Kah'Nath.  And then the strange lamp is broken, allowing a glowing entity to join with Ren.  Soon thereafter, she is quite literally marked, a physical manifestation of her symbiosis with a spirit.  She is also marked for death at the hands of the Kah'Nath.

For a web series, this is surprisingly good.  The costumes are good, the village is well-realized, the acting is better than usual for such shows, and the setting is interesting.  I really liked the propaganda about being marked and the reverence that villagers held for the Kah'Nath.  The bad guys are viewed as heroes and the good guys are seen as evil.  By the end of the five episode season, the adventuring party has coalesced.  There will by Ren the Magical, Hunter the Fighter, Baynon (Ren's brother) the Rogue, and Karn the Ranger.  Exactly how magical Ren is will have to be revealed next season.  I liked it enough that I look forward to another season.