The Road of Azrael

This Robert E. Howard story opens with Kosru Malik in the camp of an aspiring Persian leader named Muhammad Khan. However, a clash with a hated foe among the camp followers leads to Kosru's hasty flight. He hides from a small caravan headed toward the camp and is surprised to see a Frankish girl among them. He continues his flight and meets Sir Eric de Cogan, an English knight. Normally, Kosru was not fond of `Franks' but Sir Eric was different. Ten years earlier, Sir Eric had saved him during the sack of Jerusalem (1099 AD) so Kosru gladly pledges himself to his service. Moments later, he discovers that Sir Eric is chasing after Ettaire de Brose, the Frankish girl, who was sold to Mohammad Khan. Seeing only death at the end of such a quest, Kosru nonetheless guides Sir Eric.

The pair manage to snatch the girl in the night but are soon caught by Ali bin Sulieman and his band of 500 Arabs. While Eric and Kosru were busy tracking Ettaire, Muhammad's Kurdish cavalry was herding Ali and his men into a trap. Sir Eric convinces Ali to join forces in order to escape the trap; he has just been in the enemy camp and has key information. Ali grudgingly accepts. The early morning battle of Ali's Arabs vs. Muhammad's troops soon turns into a route after Ali bin Sulieman is cut down. However, Sir Eric, Kosru, and Ettaire escape.

Fleeing south and east, the trio soon comes to the Persian Gulf. Surprisingly, a mixed band of shipwrecked Vikings and Saxons confront them. They are led by King Harold Godwinson, who supposedly died when William the Conqueror invaded England in 1066. Both the Saxons and the Vikings want to leave the trio to their fate but King Harold decides otherwise for the sake of Ettaire. The epic final battle finds Muhammad leading his 500 men against the 100 Saxons and Vikings. Sir Eric chose the ground well so that the battle is all afoot and King Harold's shield wall proves to be death for men used to fighting on horseback.

When Kosru slays Muhammad in battle, the Persians retreat. Only a handful of Harold's men remain but another Viking ship lands on the beach. Kosru sees that the unconscious Sir Eric and Ettaire are safely on the ship before he rides off. He traveled the Road of Azrael and lived (Azrael is the Angel of Death).

This is a fun and lively story, told in first person from Kosru's point of view. There is plenty of action, entertaining chases, and great atmosphere. However, it has some serious problems. The idea of King Harold Godwinson being on a Viking ship in the Persian Gulf at the age of 87 is ludicrous. First, he died in 1066. Well, the story says he lived. But then, why would he be here? His sons both sought to reclaim their father's kingdom but Harold remained `dead' through that? I did like that he had only one eye since it is reported that he took an arrow in the eye during the battle. How is it that he is fighting in the shield wall and survives? 87 back in 1109 is downright ancient and wouldn't be able to last an extended battle. Also, as he did in Spears of Clontarf, Howard has put horns on the Viking helmets; there were no horns. Lastly, and perhaps most egregious, how did the Viking ships get to the Persian Gulf? They would have to have found portage for their ships across the Suez into the Red Sea and then sailed around the Arabian Peninsula. For what purpose? Obviously, to be on hand should some unfortunates need to be rescued. That is just crazy.

Hawks over Egypt

It is Cairo in the year 1021 and two men chance upon one another in a dark alley. Harsh words are traded as one accuses the other of following him. Before blades can clash, three Sudani attack. The would-be foes join forces to defeat these three. Al Afdahl the Turk admits his error in accusing de Guzman of following him and the two go for a drink and hatch a plot that will benefit both. De Guzman is a Spaniard out to avenge the slaughter of his family and, as luck would have it, al Afdahl wants the same man dead for other reasons. With the Turk as his guide, de Guzman slays Zahir el Ghazi in single combat. However, Ghazi revealed that Spain was doomed because Al Hakim, the Caliph, is planning a massive attack that will sweep away Castile. To save Spain, he must now kill the Caliph but al Afdahl will not aid him in this and demands he leave Cairo.

Elsewhere, Zaida the Venetian slave girl had been tossed into the streets and discovered by Al Hakim himself! He had banned women from the streets of Cairo and he planned to make her death a harsh lesson. Zaida changes his mind with her feminine wiles but soon thereafter, she discards her to the leader of his Sudani warriors who, in turn, sells her to her worst rival, an Arab princess who wants nothing more than to torture and mutilate poor Zaida. Things look bleak indeed.

Like the Spears of Clontarf, this story is based in history though it paints a different picture than history tells. Al Hakim was indeed Caliph who vanished in 1021 though his bloody clothes were discovered in the desert near Cairo. This story purports to explain how that came to pass. I don't know enough specific history about the region to level any complaints as regards the accuracy of the general details of the story. The narrative is much better than Clontarf as it follows primarily Diego de Guzman and Zaida. It is a very engaging tale with lots of exciting fights, excessive bloodletting, and even a naked slave girl. Great stuff!

Spears of Clontarf

This Robert E. Howard short story tells the tale of Conn the Kern (light infantryman) in the days before the battle of Clontarf (1014 AD). Conn was an outlaw in Ireland and while trying to flee, he was enslaved by Vikings. The Vikings sold him in the Faroe Islands which is where the story begins. Conn kills his owner and escapes by boat, miraculously washing ashore in Ireland after his boat was sunk by a storm. Here he meets Dunlang O'Hartigan who is traveling to join King Brian Boru in a battle against the Vikings. Conn gladly joins Dunlang and presents himself to the king. King Brian muses aloud about hanging the outlaw but agrees that it would be best to let the kern die in battle the following day. The battle proves particularly bloody, ending the careers of a great many Irish heroes, including Dunlang. Conn avenges himself by killing the Viking who enslaved him and sold him in the Faroe Islands.

The 30 page story is not one of Howard's best. He is so busy covering the actions of the many historic figures that he forgets about Conn. Moreover, there are so many characters that I quickly lost track. This is a story for someone intimately familiar with the Battle of Clontarf. The tale leaps from this Irish chieftain facing this Viking leader to the next chieftain against another Viking. As an aside, his Vikings have horned helmets which grated on me. Conn is often not even a bystander for some of these engagements. It is as if Howard initially meant to write the story from Conn's perspective but then couldn't help himself from drifting onto the history of it.

In the buildup to the battle, we meet Eevin of Craglea, a Pictish girl who is described as particularly petite with black hair and a green gown that seemed like scales – Conn almost thought she was a mermaid. Eevin has the gift of sight and accurately predicts the outcome of the battle and the deaths of both King Brian and Dunlang. Also, she seems to have magical powers of stealth since she confronts both King Brian in his tent and Queen Kormlada in her castle. She seemed a strange character to include for historical fiction.

Also of note, Broder the Viking had been told by a diviner that if he fought the following day, he would lose but King Brian would die also. Any other day, he would still lose but Brian would survive. He chose to make sure Brian died. Of course, with that sort of divination, you would think he might avoid battle and stay within the castle walls.

This is one of many stories that features the hero Turlogh Dubh O'Brien, who appears in several other tales. I was surprised by that since I had hardly noticed Turlogh (since he was one of the two Turloghs mentioned). Shouldn't this guest star have loomed a bit larger? The story ends with Turlogh cutting the slave collar from Conn after the battle is done.

Conan the Barbarian (2011)

Before he was cast as Aquaman but after his brilliant stint as Khal Drogo on Game of Thrones, Jason Momoa was picked to restart the Conan franchise.  The results were disappointing:

 

The most recent incarnation of the famed barbarian is certainly fun and entertaining but has some gaping holes and irritating aspects. It is a pale reworking of the 1982 film. Conan's village is slaughtered but, instead of finding himself a slave and later pit fighter, this Conan is left the lone survivor who sets out on revenge.

The movie opens with a narration by Morgan Freeman. When talking about the history of the Hyborean Age, it shouldn't sound like a kindly father putting his kids to bed for the night. It should be a threatening and powerful voice, not a gentle fatherly one. Anyway, that's a minor bit. The narrator tells us of a mask of power that was broken long ago and gave a glimpse of the rituals of its use. We then slide forward to a battle where a pregnant woman has been mortally wounded. Her husband, Corin (Ron Perlman), performs a Caesarian so she can name her child before she dies; she names him Conan.

Next we see Conan (Leo Howard), he is 14 and a combat prodigy. Unarmed and alone in the forest, he kills four enemy warriors. Having proven himself, his father takes him to forge a sword. He explains that the secret of steel is fire and ice. Later, while training Conan in swordplay, he notes that Conan is all fire, no ice. He has not yet earned the sword that he made with his father when Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang) sacks the village in search of the last piece to the broken mask. Conan make particular note of Zym's lieutenants.

Some years later, we find Conan (Jason Momoa) attacking slavers and carousing with pirates. As chance would have it, he encounters one of Zym's lieutenants and discovers that Khalar Zym is still looking for a pureblood descendent of the Ancients. Ancient blood is the only way to activate the reassembled mask. Conan sets out on his path of revenge.

Zym's army strangely hauls a sailing ship, which is the home of Zym and his daughter while on the road. It also serves as a battering ram. However, when Conan later escaped to sea after an epic battle, you expect the enemy to chase him in this ship they have been dragging around. Nope. You never see the ship again. Why? I get the feeling that there was a plan for a ship to ship battle but it got cut for budget reasons or something like that. Thus, it is just annoying. Of course, there is a sea battle and the bad guys arrive in… a rowboat.

Our heroine is Tamara, the pureblood who is sought. She has spent her life in a hidden monastery. Of course, if she is the last of the purebloods and her death would forever disempower the mask, why didn't the monastery just kill her? Along that same reasoning, why do the villains keep attacking Tamara with blades? It is as if every one of them doesn't realize she is needed alive. Luckily, they all suck and can't seem to land a blow. But it gets really irritating that bad guys run at her with swords. Didn't Zym say something about wanting her alive? Clearly, it is supposed to make the action more exciting. Oddly, she proves to be a surprisingly good combatant compared to the villain's goons. When tossed a sword that she can barely lift, she nonetheless dispatches two armored soldiers. These guys really do suck.

Zym's daughter (Rose McGowan) is a sorceress. She can taste the difference between typical blood and ancient blood. She can sense the pieces of the mask, no matter how well hidden. At one point, she conjures a bunch of warriors out of sand, which was pretty cool. However, it the big finale, she fights with long nails. Is that the best you've got? No flashy spells or warriors made of fire or stone? Just metal fingernails? Sigh.

Khalar Zym doesn't hold a candle to Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones). He's your run-of-the-mill villain out to rule the world. He says standard villain lines and does standard villain stuff. Yawn. His daughter is also from the cookie-cutter school of villainy.

Though I like Jason Momoa, I had a difficult time of viewing him as a Cimmerian. The Cimmerian are a northern people while Momoa is pretty clearly Hawaiian. He's good with a sword and certainly has the musculature for Conan.

Explosions. Why do there have to be explosions?

I could go on but I have probably said too much already. I enjoyed the film but I seriously doubt it will spawn a sequel. It's going to be a long time before there's another Conan movie.

 

With his term as Governator done, Schwarzenegger is looking at a return to Conan.  The Legend of Conan is in production but we'll see if it ever gets filmed.  It would be nice if it was more like Barbarian and less like Destroyer.

Solomon Kane (movie)

The story opens late in the Elizabethian period with our hero, the Dread Pirate Solomon Kane (James Purefoy), sacking some Saracen stronghold of Devil Worshipers. It proves to be a catastrophe where Kane is the sole survivor. Next we see him, he is hidden away in a monastery trying to undo his evil past though knowing he is doomed to hell.

The mood of Kane is in keeping with Robert Howard's vision but the events are not. England is being conquered by some dark lord who corrupts people with his touch, thereby creating bloodthirsty and fearless soldiers for his further conquests. Oddly, Queen Elizabeth seems to be taking no action whatsoever to fight. If she is, we never see it. No, Solomon, who has taken a vow of pacifism, must save the day. Well, the pacifism does not last, thankfully. Eventually, Kane finds the source of the villainy and fights the devil he escaped at the Saracen stronghold.

This movie is supposed to be the origin story, built on what little is revealed of Kane's past in the various stories. I found it mostly disappointing. Kane's unlikeliest adventures - which this would certainly be - all took place in darkest Africa, a place still outside of history. Setting the story in England during the final years of Elizabeth or the early years of James was silly.

Mostly laughable. Very disappointing.

 

Having read all the stories in anticipation of the movie, I was particularly disappointed.  The makers would have been far better served had they just adapted one of the actual Solomon Kane adventures for the screen rather than invent this disaster.

Solomon Kane (collected stories)

After finishing Kull, I looked for another Robert E. Howard book and found Solomon Kane.  By May 28, 2008, I had finished the collection of short stories:

 

Solomon Kane was the first of Robert E. Howard's epic characters, preceding Conan the Barbarian, Kull the Conqueror, and Red Sonja. Kane is described as a pallid-faced Puritan with a brace of pistols and a dueling sword. His adventures take place in the late 16th century, during the reign of Queen Elizabeth I. The tales of Kane begin in England and the early adventures are best described as ghost stories. The format of these tales vary, sometimes just poems that outline some event (occasionally even historical events). Kane really comes to life when he travels to Africa and then journeys ever deeper into that Dark Continent. There he encounters vampires, harpies, dark magic, the remnants of ancient Atlantis, a lost colony of Assyria, and other fantastical beasts. In most of these, it is easy to see Conan in his Hyborian Age rather than a Puritan in the Elizabethan Age. Clearly, Kane found his way to darkest Africa so Howard could tell such fantastic tales.

Kane purports to be a very religious man and yet he readily accepts a magical staff from a witchdoctor. In fact, he allies himself with a witchdoctor who would surely burn at the stake in Europe. Kane is an unusually tolerant Puritan. It is also curious that Kane is very chivalrous toward women but never desires them. He has that same indifference toward women that Kull possessed. Also like Kull, Kane is a fount of knowledge. He knows a number of languages so that he can usually converse with African tribesmen wherever he may be. In the stories, Kane is a wanderer, driven by God to punish the wicked or fight evil but we learn that he was once a sea captain, was enslaved by Muslims for some years, learned woodcraft from Indians in Darien (Central America), and was a member of the fleet that repelled the Spanish Armada (1588). He's an expert swordsman, a crack shot, and amazingly strong despite a lanky build. Kane is an interesting but incomplete character. He doesn't understand his own motivation, always saying that he is compelled by a higher power, leaving him as little more than a puppet. Howard was more interested in writing extraordinary events than developing a complex character.

A movie is in the works that will bring Solomon Kane to the big screen (IMDb shows it as scheduled for release this year). It promises to explain the beginnings of Kane, why he abandoned his career as a ship's captain and became a wanderer out to smite evil. This is a tale that Robert Howard never told but I'd like to see.

 

That movie did come to pass and I comment on it somewhere ahead.  Be patient.

Kull of Atlantis

Robert E. Howard is most noted for Conan the Barbarian but Kull the Conqueror preceded him.  In 2007, I was looking for something new to read and stumbled on the collected stories of Kull.  I offered some thoughts on June 21, 2007.

I have taken to reading Robert E. Howard again. About 20 years ago, I read the Conan series (as reconstructed by L. Sprague de Kamp and Lin Carter) because it was sitting on a shelf at a friend's house. It was fun and made good material for my campaign. Since then, I have read very little of Howard. Having caught part of Kull the Conqueror (the movie that failed to launch Kevin Sorbo's movie career) not long ago, I decided to read the source material.

Kull is unlike Conan in all ways except physical description. The muscular build, lightning reflexes, intense eyes, and square-cut black hair described as a lion's mane are common to both. But Kull is very contemplative and has a complete disinterest in women. He likes to talk about philosophy, alternate realities, history, and the like. In all the stories, Kull never has an affair. He never has a queen. Where Conan is a solitary wanderer who has allies only occasionally, Kull is surrounded by associates: there is the chief councilor Tu, sidekick Brule the Spear-Slayer, Ka-nu the Pictish Ambassador, and a variety of less frequent persons. Most of Conan's adventures are early in his career and he has not yet become a King whereas Kull is king in all but one story. The typical story has Kull trying to foil the latest assassination plot against him.  Another common theme is for Kull to cross the lands on some reckless adventure which Tu wisely advises against.

While Conan the Barbarian (with Arnold) did a fairly good job of bringing Howard's creation to the big screen, Kull the Conqueror failed entirely to stay true to the character. According to the IMDb, the movie was originally meant to be a Conan sequel but Arnold declined and the movie was reworked to have King Kull. Since it was to be Kull, it is amazing that they created Ascalante as a sidekick rather than use Brule the Spear-Slayer or Dalgar the Farsunian Adventurer or Captain Kelkor of the Red Slayers. The movie bares little resemblance to the literary Kull and none of the changes appear to be for the better.

It is plain why Howard abandoned Kull in favor of Conan. Kull really has only two facets: dull contemplation and uncontrollable furious rage. His amazing indifference to so much is annoying and he often nags how being king is boring compared to his days of high adventure. He reminds me of Admiral James Kirk always wishing he was just a captain again. Why the hell did you become king/admiral if it is such an undesired burden?

The Shadow of the Vulture

I finally got around to reading the foundation for Red Sonja on April 22, 2007:

 

Though most are familiar with the Robert E. Howard (creator of Conan and Kull) character of Red Sonja from the comics and the disappointing movie of 1985, her first and only appearance in his writing is dramatically different. The short story was `The Shadow of the Vulture' (1934) and went something like this:

The year is 1529. An Austrian embassy has arrived in Constantinople to meet with Suleiman the Magnificent, Sultan of the Ottoman Empire. Among the members of the embassy is Gottfried von Kalmbach. By chance, the Sultan recognizes Kalmbach as the very knight who wounded him some years earlier during the taking of Rhodes. Though he desires the knight's death, it would be impolitic to kill a member of an embassy. Instead, when the embassy leaves, the Sultan arranges for Mikhal Oglu the Vulture to track down the knight and return with his head.

Kalmbach soon finds himself fleeing across the Balkans and Austria, seldom far ahead of Oglu and his horsemen. The Sultan has launched an invasion of Europe and Kalmbach is only one step ahead of the vanguard. He manages to take refuge in Vienna just as the Sultan begins his siege. It is here while manning the walls that Kalmbach spots Sonya of Rogatino. This foul-mouthed red-headed hellion proves to be a skilled artillerist, a talented swordswoman, and the sister of Suleiman's wife. Twice she saves Kalmbach from death though she otherwise exhibits nothing but scorn for him. As the Siege of Vienna fails, Sonja learns that Kalmbach is being hunted and that he shall not rest easy so long as Mikhal Oglu lives. She quickly devises a plan, sending a messenger to Oglu that lures him and 20 of his men into a waiting volley of matchlock muskets.

During the Sultan's "Victory Celebration" in Constantinople, a package arrives. While the Sultan reads the accompanying note signed by Sonya and Kalmbach, the opened package reveals the head of Mikhal Oglu.

In the story, there is never any hint that Kalmbach and Sonya are anything more than comrades in arms and she shows equal disdain for all men. Also, she wore breeches, thigh-high boots, a red cloak, a green sash, a helmet and a hauberk. She had two pistols and a saber in her sash. It was many years later (1973) that Marvel Comics transplanted Red Sonja into the Hyborean Age of Conan, changed the spelling of her name, and introduced her chain mail bikini.

Currently, a new Red Sonja movie is in the works, scheduled for 2008. I suspect, if it gets made, it will be better than the last movie.

 

The movie never did get made, which is probably for the best since it was going to have Rose McGowan as Sonja directed by then finance Robert Rodriguez.  Though Rodriguez has demonstrated a knack for action movies, casting the dainty 5'4" McGowan as an unbeatable fighter would have been difficult.  Of course, having read the origin story, why not make the real thing?  That would nix the chain mail bikini.  Hmm.