Krod Mandoon and the Flaming Sword of Fire

This goofy show follows in the footsteps of Xena, though it is entirely a comedy with much more overt sexuality. Krod (dork spelled backwards) is an incompetent leader of a band of rebels. He wields the Flaming Sword of Fire though he has a habit of misplacing it. "Where's my sword?" His nymphomaniac girlfriend, Aneka, is a Pagan (the actual name of her tribe, it seems). There is also the oafish Loquasto who appears to be some variant of orc though he says he's a Grobble. He is strong, both physically and in odor. The party wizard is Zezelryck (Kevin Hart), who is mostly incompetent and does far too much speaking. Lastly, there is Bruce, the unambiguously gay character. The adventures of this sad band are not the stuff of legend. Success is more often stumbled upon by accident.

The villain, who seeks to rule all the lands and stamp out Krod and the rebels he represents, is Dongalor. He's a portly Dr. Evil. He has a number of lackeys, the most notable being Barnabus, a deadpan fellow who sees the flaws in Dongalor's plots but nonetheless eagerly does his bidding. One funny bit about Dongalor was his illegitimate son. Upon learning that he had an illegitimate son, he suggested that the son might like a boat ride then, under his breath, ordered Barnabus to see to it he drowned.

Surprisingly, this lowbrow show had John Rhys-Davies (Gimli from Lord of the Rings) as a guest star. He was Grimshank the Wizard, a central figure for the first season though he wisely died to avoid further visits to Hessemeel.

The show is produced in Britain and thus 6 episodes constituted the season. I only saw the final three episodes. Though occasionally amusing, the goal mostly seems to be puerile humor and sexual innuendo broken by the sporadic fights. Also, like Xena and Hercules, there is an effort to insert modern conventions into the show, such as singles' night at the tavern. This show is a big step down from Xena and Hercules which were themselves campy fare.

 

I saw this back in July 2009 and, not surprisingly, there was no second season.  Kevin Hart has done quite well since this show.

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Six months after it hit theaters, I saw the best film Uwe Boll has made.  Here is my June 30, 2008 review:

To my great astonishment, this wasn't complete trash. No, it wasn't exactly good but nor was it the typical disaster of a Uwe Boll film. It is one of his best rated films, managing a 3.8 on the IMDb. I thought it was about a 5. I suspect many of those who rated it lower just did so reflexively when they saw the name Uwe Boll.

I've never played Dungeon Siege so I have no idea how well or how badly this represents it. Of course, seeing as there is almost no time spent in dungeons, I'm guessing it completely misses that aspect of the game. There is a comment made that a magus gets his power by serving a king. Merrick (John Rhys-Davies) is astonished by Gallian's (Ray Liotta) power since he serves no king. Makes one wonder how magic works in this world. Could a magus become more powerful by switching to a king of a greater nation?

This is a strange world with strange creatures. The Krug are the most notable and are pretty indistinguishable from orcs. They seem to be incapable of speech and totally unconcerned with their own well-being. The ones that submitted to being ignited before being flung from a catapult into the enemy ranks were pretty dedicated. We also meet the all-female forest folk who seem rather like druids whose only spell is entangle. We are never told if they are tree sprites, elves, or what. Elora (Kristanna Loken) is the leader of this band.

The movie has lots of subplots and a slew of characters, some handled well and some handled horrendously.  I have a friend who would likely hate this movie because there are so many characters and names to remember. There's Farmer, his wife, his son, his neighbor, his wife's parents, his wife's brother, the king, the king's nephew, the king's magus, the king's magus's daughter, the king's primary general and the two lesser generals, Elora the Druid, and Gallian the Evil Wizard. Got that?

It often feels D&Dish. When Farmer initially sets out on his adventure, he is accompanied by his neighbor (Ron Perlman) and his wife's brother. When he is separated from them, he joins the king's troops and fights beside the king's primary general and the king (Burt Reynolds) himself. Later still, he sets out to assault Gallian's lair with the aid of Elora the Druid, Merrick the Magus, and Muriella the magus's daughter. Most of these adventure companions have mini adventures of their own, providing some depth to everyone.

The casting is weird, which is often the case for Uwe Boll. He gets big names to take on roles that aren't suited for them. Burt Reynolds as the ruler of a medieval kingdom didn't work for me. Matthew Lillard, who is spot on as Shaggy in the Scooby Doo movies, is catastrophic as the obsequious backstabbing nephew of the king. Though Ray Liotta is generally good as a nut job and a villain, he likewise is too typecast to be convincing as the evil wizard. On the other hand, John Rhys-Davies, a veteran of Lord of the Rings, is a good choice for the king's magus. Leelee Sobieski, who I really liked as Joan of Arc, fits nicely into a medieval setting as Muriella the Magus Apprentice. Ron Perlman (Hellboy) can do anything well and always adds to the movies he's in.

Jason Statham is the movie and he can make even the worst material entertaining. In fact, he made this movie watchable. His mysterious past is slowly revealed but fails to explain why he is such a great fighter. His name should have been Ultimate Warrior, not Farmer. He is this unmatched fighter but doesn't seem to have had any training. He has a boomerang that reminds me a lot of Xena's chakra, hitting several people before returning unerringly to his hand. He appears to be the only person capable of vanquishing one of Gallian's avatars on the battlefields, something he does many times. Once, he killed Gallian's avatar while hanging by his neck from a tree with his hands tied behind him. Yeah, this guy kicks ass.

Gallian (Ray Liotta) appears to have the ability to concentrate on multiple things at once. While fighting Farmer and reflecting Muriella's magic, he is still in control of his multiple avatar sergeants who command his Krug army. That has to be SO MANY standard actions that he's clearly a DM cheat monster. His demise is thus a bit of a surprise in that he was unable to extend this amazing level of multi-tasking to include a relatively small threat.

I found it entertaining but it is clear why it is poorly rated. Matthew Lillard's character is so grating and annoying that he might compete with Jar Jar Binks as most detestable character ever. The Krug look too phony, a real problem on account of the great monster armies of recent years, be they Mordor orcs, White Witch minions, or Resident Evil zombies. The arrival of the king's elite ninja squad was over the top corny (does the game have ninjas?). Also, Uwe likes to use the same shot again and again. Look, a krug has been hit by an arrow. (Replay clip) Look, a krug has been hit by an arrow. Another problem was the music, which was often wrong for the scene. Most jarring was when this epic on-the-march-to-adventure music played while Farmer buried his son and in-laws. Much of the dialogue is high camp but delivered with deadly seriousness.

This is a story with much potential, little of it realized in this film. It reminds me of some of the weaker episodes of Xena or Hercules: dorky but fun.

Sword of the Valiant

My first viewing of this movie was probably in 1985 or so when it was available on VHS.  Some 20 years later (May 24, 2007), I was trying to watch all of Sean Connery's films and felt obligated to give this one another go.  Yes, it was as bad as I remembered:

Thanks to the success of Excalibur (1981) and Conan the Barbarian (1982), there was a move to make more fantasy-like films. One such film was Sword of the Valiant, produced by Golan & Globus, a company best remembered for Chuck Norris vehicles (Delta Force, Firewalker, Missing in Action III) and a number of Ninja films. Sword of the Valiant tells the tale of Gawain and the Green Knight. The cast is quite surprising, including such notables as Sean Connery, Trevor Howard, Peter Cushing, and John Rhys-Davies. Unfortunately, it is a rather wooden Miles O'Keeffe with an embarrassing haircut who played the lead.

The story, like the tale it is based upon, opens with the Green Knight arriving at the New Year's Feast of Camelot and challenging anyone to chop off his head. Gawain accepts the challenge and strikes off the Green Knight's head. The Green Knight collects his head and departs, declaring that he expects Gawain to receive a similar blow one year hence. An interesting start indeed but the movie quickly descends into something near incoherence. Armored in the chrome armor made famous by Excalibur, Gawain attempts to kill a unicorn for dinner, is seduced by Morgan Le Fey, defeats a black knight, finds a magical land, uses a ring of invisibility, meets a dwarf sage, goes back to the magic land to rescue Linet, loses Linet to Oswald the evil knight, fails to save Linet from Oswald, then finds Linet living with some kindly lord in a neighboring land. His year over, Gawain heads off to meet the Green Knight but finds his way blocked by Oswald. After killing Oswald, he goes with the Green Knight to meet his fate. The Green Knight's blow is deflected by a magic shawl and Gawain slays the knight. He finds his beloved Linet awaiting him by the sea but she must return to her magic land.  Transforming into a bird, she flies off to leave a dejected Gawain alone on the beach. The End.

My synopsis probably makes it sound more epic and exciting than it was in practice. The direction is clumsy, the acting has wide swings from decent to horrendous, the music is awful, and the ending is silly. This movie is a precursor to the Uwe Boll movies where talented actors somehow find themselves in atrocious movies (e.g. Michael Madsen and Ben Kingsley somehow stared in BloodRayne).