Iron Warrior

Ator is back. Or is he? Our story opens with twin boys - aged 9 or 10 - playing in some ruins. While they run around tossing a fuzzy ball to one another, a dark figure prowls about the ruins, shadowing them. The figure grabs one of the boys then dashes away with him, a wicked laugh echoing.

The figure turns out to be Phoedra the Witch, a wicked old woman with wild red hair. She has been brought before the council of witches, headed by Deeva. The other witches are all young nubile beauties. Subtext: Evil is ugly, good is beautiful. Deeva demands the return of the boy but Phoedra refuses. It is revealed the Phoedra once ruled Dragor but was deposed by the other witches and a king was installed. Phoedra will reclaim her realm and the boy is key to her plan. The witches sentence her to 18 years in the underworld; Phoedra scoffs.

18 years later, Ator (Miles O'Keeffe) stands upon a cliff and in front of a full length mirror. Really? Yes. His mane of curly blond hair from his previous movies is gone; now he has it slicked-back and sports a braided ponytail. He also has an earring. Ator could be an extra in the Duran Duran video.

Meanwhile in Dragor, Princess Janna is dancing about with her hand maids. She has a ludicrous topknot that is shaped like a fan. Who knew they had hair gel in the Dark Ages? Moreover, she has one pink eyebrow. Is it any surprise the movie was made in 1987.

Phoedra has returned and makes an appearance at the castle where she then unleashes Trogar. Trogar, Ator's missing twin brother, wears a silver skull and a red scarf so his face is never seen. He has magical powers that are not explained and that don't always work. He kills the king by telekinetically flinging half a dozen spears through him. He then captures the princess.

From there, the movie becomes an incomprehensible mess. There is no plot and the characters don't develop. Janna runs around in a sheer dress without a bra which is certainly entertaining. Phoedra shape changes into a young woman and gets naked. Ator repeatedly fights his brother, once running him through but he vanishes only to return later.

The climactic finish has Janna dangling from a cliff while Phoedra cackles that she can't hold on forever. Ator shows up and, after trial and error, slays Phoedra. He goes to the cliff and Janna is gone, presumably to a watery grave far below. Then he hears her voice. There she is, tied up on an altar. When he releases her, she looks at the camera with a blank expression. Is this Phoedra again or is it Janna? The witches say that Janna has ensorcelled Ator and laugh as the credits roll.

By far, this is the worst of the Ator movies. First off, though it is still Miles O'Keeffe as Ator, the life story of the character has no similarity to the previous two movies. He's gone from the orphan of Torran destined for greatness to a twin with the sole purpose of protecting the Princess of Dragor. It would have been better if he were called Joe, Tom, or Pete rather than Ator. The storyline is impossible to follow since there are unexplained gaps. Ator and Janna are fleeing through a cave when she is cut off from him. Then, suddenly, they are together on the beach and she is now in a blue dress. Huh? They are fleeing from Trogar and come to a cliff. Ator says `trust me' and they jump. They wake up in a cave. Huh? Deeva dispatches Ator and Janna to recover a box of witch power from an island. After a lot of delving into the ruins there, fleeing as the place collapses, and dodging Trogar's horsemen, it turns out that Phoedra had the real one all along and our heroes just have a phony. What? There is a dream-like quality to the movie so perhaps it's all in Ator's head.

This one does not get to the so bad it's good. It is worse than that. However, Princess Janna bounces nicely and the young version of Phoedra is easy on the eyes.

The Blade Master

The movie opens with some cavemen eating some unidentified meat in their cave when they are suddenly attacked by Stone Age villains. There is much mayhem and the Stone Agers slaughter everyone. Next, we are in another cave which is oddly adorned with columns, furniture, a podium with a book, and appears to be a study or lab. Sure enough, this is the lab of Akronas, the great sage. He tells his daughter, Mila, that he has created the Geometric Nucleus (GN), a device that can do great good or tremendous evil depending on who wields it. As if on cue, the villain Zor, a former student of Akronas, assaults the castle with the intent of capturing the GN. Akronas tells his daughter that she must seek Ator - also a former student - in the east and bring him to defeat Zor.

Interestingly, there is a brief description of the previous film in the series and it includes scenes that were not in that movie. One of those scenes is Ator being saved from death in his village by the intervention of Gliba. That was one of my gripes with that film. Why did that scene get cut then but included now? Anyway, we learn that after the events of that movie, his wife/sister died, he studied science with Akronas, and then went east.

Mila flees the caves and, en route to the east, encounters a band of Zor's goons. She fights well but one of them puts an arrow in her. Shortly thereafter, she runs into Ator's cave (everybody lives in caves in this setting, which is why it is sometimes titled `Cave Dwellers'); I guess he didn't live that far to the east.

Ator (Miles O'Keeffe) is now a great scholar though he still only wears a loincloth and furry boots. He is busy doing chemistry experiments with Thong, his mute Asian sidekick, when Mila arrives and collapses from her wound. He washes his hands (you know, that was common for surgeons in the caveman era) and extracts the arrow. When she awakens - later that day it seems - she hardly has a scar. Now that she is up, Ator demands proof that she is who she says she is. While he leads her through his caves, we see full suits of plate mail standing in alcoves; what time period is this? He locks her in a cave - it has a gate that slides into place like a modern prison - then demands she get out. She looks around and sees the ingredients for gunpowder. So, in about a minute, she mixes it up, makes a nice trail of black powder from the gate to a safe spot, and ignites it. The explosion blows the bars away and leaves Ator and Thong covered in dust. What is the time period again?

The trio set off and is followed by several of Zor's goons. Zor also employs a wizard who sends a mist - this is the Mist Age of Fantasy - that separates the party and leads them to the caves of the villains that opened the movie. Oh, and invisible guys who beat the crap out of Ator and Thong for a while before being overcome when our heroes toss their cloaks on top of the invisible men. Amazingly, the invisible men choose to continue the battle while having cloaks over their heads.

Meanwhile, Mila has been captured by the Stone Agers, along with Zor's goons. The Stone Agers sacrifice each of Zor's goons on an altar, cutting out their hearts which their leader eats. Now it is Mila's turn but Ator and Thong arrive just in time. The trio escapes the caves and is once again back on track to Akronas. Zor is upset with his wizard and demands that he is whipped. The wizard, only just described as the most powerful to be found, is sadly dragged away. Some wizard.

The party is asleep and Thong is on guard when he hears something. So, leaving Ator and Mila to sleep, he runs off to investigate. Argh!!!!! Luckily, Ator's DM is really generous because no one comes and kills him while he sleeps. Thong comes back with a couple of girls who tell of a village in great trouble. Ator decides they must assist. Really? Zor is trying to get the GN which will allow him to rule the world but you have time for this petty side quest? Whatever.

The side quest is a trap and Ator blunders right into it, happily drinking the wine he is offered which knocks him out. However, the villagers who betrayed him to sell him to Serpent Worshippers immediately get their comeuppance when they are slaughtered and the village is burned.

The Serpent Worshippers are in league with Zor and Zor shows up to inspect Ator and Mila. The High Priest doesn't want to give Zor either Ator or Mila, insisting that they be sacrificed to the Great Serpent. At this point, Zor offers the greatest observation of any villain in D&Dish film history: "The dividing line between goodness and stupidity is very, very fine." Zor is content and leaves, not bothering to stay and see how the sacrifice works out. Like a scene out of Conan, the serpent worshippers toss virgin after virgin into a pit and thrill as each is killed by the Great Serpent (all off screen at this point) then Mila is tossed in. Thong appears and frees Ator. The duo slaughters all the serpent worshippers while Mila screams. Ator leaps into the pit to find a huge foam rubber snake which, after a bit of wrestling, he manages to kill.

The epic conclusion has Ator assaulting the 12th century castle from a hang glider, dropping grenades to blast Zor's troops off the walls. He descends through the castle, slaughtering as he goes. Oh, also of note, he no longer uses the Sword of Torran which was his weapon of the last film. Now he's a two sword guy, which is why he is the blade master. He finds Zor beating Akronas in the cave lab. Ator, who has killed countless goons throughout the movie, holds his blade when Zor is disarmed. Akronas says that he must stand trial. What time period is this again? So, again doing the good-is-stupid move, he turns his back and walks away. Luckily, Thong puts a knife in Zor's back before Zor can put one in Ator's.

Ator declines Mila's advances, saying he must travel his path alone. He takes the GN with him and destroys it, resulting in a mushroom cloud; I wonder how he did that without being in the blast radius. The movie ends with Ator riding alone with a voiceover announcing that wherever man is oppressed, Ator will be there, wherever evil arises, Ator will be there, he is Ator the Avenger (even before Captain America).

If anything, Miles O'Keeffe's acting got worse. Certainly the script got considerably worse. However, the lead actress is better than the last one if only because she speaks English. The villain is pathetic. Zor has a drooping mustache and long black hair that is obviously a wig. He is pale and scrawny compared to Ator. He spends most of the movie in conversation with Akronas, trying to get the old sage to reveal where he has hidden the GN or explaining how he will destroy Ator. Still, it is often entertaining in a so bad it's good sort of way.

 

Ator, the Fighting Eagle

This 1982 epic sought to benefit from the success of Conan the Barbarian. Our tale opens with a lengthy backstory. The Spider King has ruled for 1000 years but prophecy says that Torran will rise up to overthrow him… and fail. However, Torran's son will later face the Spider Kingdom and topple it. So, with that in mind, a woman is in labor and a baby is born; he has the Mark of Torran on his shoulder. The midwives run screaming in panic and the Spider King dispatches his Black Knights to slaughter babies and avert disaster. But the child, Ator, is saved by the intervention of Griba, the one-time High Priest of the Spider Kingdom but now an outcast. After concealing the Mark of Torran with magic, Griba hands the child to a poor couple in a random village.

Twenty years or so later, Ator is a man (Miles O'Keeffe) and has fallen in love with Sunya, his sister. He asks his father about marrying her and his father is delighted! "You aren't really brother and sister."  Only briefly curious about not being related, Ator is excited that he can marry Sunya. No sooner are they married than the soldiers of the Spider King descend upon the village and slaughter everyone, except Sunya - who they take - and Ator - who survives.

Griba returns and trains Ator how to fight and sends him on his way. Ready to face the dangers of the world, Ator is soon captured by Amazon women. They plan to breed him to the best of them to produce the next ruler of the Amazons. Oh, after he has impregnated her, he is to be killed. He escapes this thanks to Roon (Sabrina Siani), a platinum blonde who was doubtless modeled on Sandahl Bergman's character from Conan. She rescues him again when he falls under the spell of a sorceress. Gee, some hero you've got there.

After acquiring a magic shield, the duo attacks the Spider king's fortress, which is just an old amphitheater. It is hardly a spoiler to say the prophecy proves true. The actor who played the Spider King must have gotten a bonus since he constantly had tarantulas crawling on him; one crept about on his bald head. The giant spider is only ever partly shown with obviously phony legs that move up and down awkwardly.

The storyline is fine but the execution is atrocious. There are some unintentionally funny parts. At one point, our heroes need to sneak into a volcano that is inhabited by blind armorers. They have a keen sense of smell. Really? Not hearing? No, they sense by smell so our heroes rub themselves down with some plant leaf. Oh, yeah, that'll work. "Hey, anyone else smell a jasmine plant walking through the armory?"

The acting is painfully wooden. Miles was better as Tarzan the Ape Man, where he had nothing to say, but was STILL wooden. For no particular reason, Ator has a black bear cub as a sidekick who is mostly useless; he does offer a distraction on more than one occasion. Ator's armor is ludicrous, basically a bronze pie plate in the center of his chest and a pair of leather shoulder pads with fur trim. He also has a bronze belt buckle and fur loincloth. In fact, he probably wears less armor than his female companion! Hey, who's wearing the chain mail bikini in this epic?

Amazingly, the movie spawned 3 sequels!

Sword of the Valiant

My first viewing of this movie was probably in 1985 or so when it was available on VHS.  Some 20 years later (May 24, 2007), I was trying to watch all of Sean Connery's films and felt obligated to give this one another go.  Yes, it was as bad as I remembered:

Thanks to the success of Excalibur (1981) and Conan the Barbarian (1982), there was a move to make more fantasy-like films. One such film was Sword of the Valiant, produced by Golan & Globus, a company best remembered for Chuck Norris vehicles (Delta Force, Firewalker, Missing in Action III) and a number of Ninja films. Sword of the Valiant tells the tale of Gawain and the Green Knight. The cast is quite surprising, including such notables as Sean Connery, Trevor Howard, Peter Cushing, and John Rhys-Davies. Unfortunately, it is a rather wooden Miles O'Keeffe with an embarrassing haircut who played the lead.

The story, like the tale it is based upon, opens with the Green Knight arriving at the New Year's Feast of Camelot and challenging anyone to chop off his head. Gawain accepts the challenge and strikes off the Green Knight's head. The Green Knight collects his head and departs, declaring that he expects Gawain to receive a similar blow one year hence. An interesting start indeed but the movie quickly descends into something near incoherence. Armored in the chrome armor made famous by Excalibur, Gawain attempts to kill a unicorn for dinner, is seduced by Morgan Le Fey, defeats a black knight, finds a magical land, uses a ring of invisibility, meets a dwarf sage, goes back to the magic land to rescue Linet, loses Linet to Oswald the evil knight, fails to save Linet from Oswald, then finds Linet living with some kindly lord in a neighboring land. His year over, Gawain heads off to meet the Green Knight but finds his way blocked by Oswald. After killing Oswald, he goes with the Green Knight to meet his fate. The Green Knight's blow is deflected by a magic shawl and Gawain slays the knight. He finds his beloved Linet awaiting him by the sea but she must return to her magic land.  Transforming into a bird, she flies off to leave a dejected Gawain alone on the beach. The End.

My synopsis probably makes it sound more epic and exciting than it was in practice. The direction is clumsy, the acting has wide swings from decent to horrendous, the music is awful, and the ending is silly. This movie is a precursor to the Uwe Boll movies where talented actors somehow find themselves in atrocious movies (e.g. Michael Madsen and Ben Kingsley somehow stared in BloodRayne).