Mirror Mirror

One of the two Snow White movies to come out this year, it was made by the same man who brought us Immortals last year. Our story opens with the Queen (Julie Roberts) narrating the events so far, with her husband the king having vanished in the forest and her step-daughter, young Snow (Lily Collins), being her cloistered ward. Enter Prince Alcott (Armie Hammer).

Alcott and his trusty servant are out for adventure when they are attacked by giants, conspicuously 7 of them. They were getting trounced when the prince managed to topple one of them. The giant's legs retract and suddenly we have an annoyed dwarf. The prince foolishly insults the dwarves and soon finds himself hanging by his ankles with only his pants. Meanwhile, it is Snow's 18th birthday and a busybody baker (Mare Winningham) has put ideas in her head that she is the rightful ruler and should see the state of the realm under the wicked queen's watch. Snow leaves the castle, wanders the realm, and stumbles upon the nearly naked prince.

The story deviates from the classic tale with Snow mostly saving the prince rather than the other way around. Rather than the huntsman taking Snow to the woods to cut out her heart, we have Brighton (Nathan Lane) the cowardly brown-noser who lets her flee into the woods and brave the beast that haunts it. She meets the dwarves who take a liking to her and, in the classic movie training, make her an awesome and confident warrior princess in no time at all. Truly, no time. The prince indicates that only one day has passed during her extensive martial training. To their credit, the prince was still a better swordsman but she defeated him nonetheless. The poisoned apple makes only a cameo and it is Snow who saves the prince with true love's kiss.

The prince does not come off well. One wonders what Snow sees in him. Oh, he banters well enough but he got his butt kicked by dwarves (twice!), was ensorcelled by the queen, gets beaten by the hardly-trained Snow in a sword fight, and must be rescued repeatedly. I am amazed any self-respecting actor took the role. Then again, it is a comedy and no men come off well in this movie.

Setting aside the silly stilts that transform them into giants, the dwarves are an entertaining bunch. They are not named Happy, Dopy, Doc, etc. but they do have characteristics that would fit the original descriptive names. Rather than miners, they are bandits, taking revenge on the Queen who banished them from the kingdom for being ugly. Thus, it seems they are not a race of dwarves but just humans, which doubtless explains the lack of beards.

Julia Roberts as the queen was not the best choice. She is conniving and mean but not menacing. She has several comic scenes, which really detract from the evil queen persona. Plus, her trademark laugh just doesn't fit with the role. Then again, this is mostly a comedy. In a switch from the original, the queen puts the moves on Prince Alcott with notions of marrying him for his money; she had driven this kingdom to bankruptcy and needs the cash. Roberts also plays the mirror, which is an emotionless version of the queen with unspecified but considerable magical powers. The relationship between queen and mirror is never explained though they are inextricably linked.

Much like Immortals, the look is very distinctive. The outfits of the nobility are ludicrous and full of such crazy colors. The rainbow of vibrant colors that was not limited to clothing was bizarre and mostly annoying; there were blue and purple wigs in geometric shapes and starkly clashing garments. The soldiers in the realm wore all black except for a golden helmet that looked like something out of Zardoz. The costumes were too often silly and impractical, which certainly reminded me of Immortals with those crazy helmets on the gods. In the end, the king (played by Sean `Boromir' Bean) returns and, in addition to being dressed in a silly outfit, he has a Don Johnson beard; he looked rather scraggly for a king; I hope Sean got a good payday out of it.

The movie credits play during a Bollywood singing and dancing extravaganza in the throne room where Snow sings `I believe in love.' Lily Collins is Phil Collins' daughter, so the closing music video is probably appropriate.

All in all, it is just okay. Wait for it on broadcast TV.

Black Death

The story follows the Osmund (Eddie Redmayne), a monk in England during the plague of 1348. He is in love with a girl, Averill, and fears for her. He sends her away in hopes of saving her from the spreading plague. However, she promises to wait for him on the edge of the forest for the next week. He prays for God to give him a sign. The next day, Ulrich (Sean Bean) arrives. He needs a priest who can guide him into the marsh beyond the forest. Osmund volunteers with plans of reuniting with Averill. He soon discovers that Ulrich is an inquisitor out to capture a necromancer and his men are a nasty band, hardened by strife and not particularly friendly.

The village they seek has been untouched by the plague. Another inquisitor had been sent but no word of him returned. The journey is not without its troubles. Osmund finds Averill's horse and one of her garments, stained with blood. Brigands attack the band. So it is that a heart-broken Osmund and a diminished band of inquisitors come to the village where Ulrich is certain they will find a heretic.

The village is idyllic. Along the way, they had come across mass graves and piles of burning bodies but this place is untouched. They are greeted warmly and offered food and shelter. Ulrich is more suspicious than ever, especially when he recovers the seal of the previous inquisitor around the neck of an innocent-looking girl. The only church in town is clearly abandoned. The leader of the town appears to be Hob, a genial man. Langiva (Carice van Houten), the town healer, has amazing skill. In fact, she raises Averill from the dead while Osmund watches!

This is the story of Osmund. He is a young man who is torn between love of a woman and devotion to God. His encounter with Ulrich, Langiva, and the village untouched by plague determine his path thereafter.

With a title like Black Death, one can expect a dark, bleak tale, and this movie certainly delivers. There is perhaps too much plot and character development and not enough hacking with swords. When the swords slash, the battles are good fun but they are too few.

One of the many, many films in which Sean Bean dies.  It is usually a surprise if he is still alive at the end, kind of like Kenny in South Park.  This was made before Redmayne made it big and before Carice van Houten got her role as Melisandre in Game of Thrones.

Game of Thrones

HBO has brought George R. R. Martin's series to the small screen. The story follows the Stark family, a noble family based in the northernmost of the Seven Kingdoms. Oddly, the 7 Kingdoms have only 1 king. Long ago, the kingdoms were defeated by Aegon Targaryen and his 3 dragons. The armies of any kingdom could not stand against the fiery breath of dragons. However, the dragons have since died but the kingdoms are still united, barely.

It has been 15 years or so since the Targaryens were deposed and Robert Baratheon became king. However, two surviving Targaryens have joined with the vast Dothraki hordes - similar to the Mongol Horde of Genghis Khan - who might yet reconquer the 7 Kingdoms. This is all the more possible since intrigue and infighting is rampant in the 7 Kingdoms and, worse still, the old enemy has awoken from a 1000 year slumber. The white walkers are coming south. They are quick and wield weapons far stronger than the steel of the 7 Kingdoms. Moreover, those they kill arise as zombies.

The tale is very dark. It is clear that Mr. Martin has read a great deal of history since his book reads like history, with all the cruelties and strange twists. There is graphic violence and a fair amount of nudity.

Ned Stark (played by Sean Bean - best known to fantasy fans as Boromir from Lord of the Rings) and his family are the key characters. His bastard son Jon has been sent to the Wall - a 700 foot tall wall that divides the continent and protects from the threat of the white walkers. Ned and his daughters find themselves in King's Landing - the capitol - where they see the intrigues. Bran and Robb remains in Winterfell, capitol of the north. Catelyn, Ned's wife, is constantly on the move, showing the action through the rest of the country.

The first season had many surprises. I look forward to next season. In the meantime, I have started reading the books. Recommended!

 

Wow, I wrote this back in June of 2011.  Series is still going strong and the last Targaryen is finally on her way to Westeros.