Before he was cast as Aquaman but after his brilliant stint as Khal Drogo on Game of Thrones, Jason Momoa was picked to restart the Conan franchise. The results were disappointing:
The most recent incarnation of the famed barbarian is certainly fun and
entertaining but has some gaping holes and irritating aspects. It is a
pale reworking of the 1982 film. Conan's village is slaughtered but,
instead of finding himself a slave and later pit fighter, this Conan is
left the lone survivor who sets out on revenge.
The movie opens with a narration by Morgan Freeman. When talking about the history of the Hyborean Age, it shouldn't sound like a kindly father putting his kids to bed for the night. It should be a threatening and powerful voice, not a gentle fatherly one. Anyway, that's a minor bit. The narrator tells us of a mask of power that was broken long ago and gave a glimpse of the rituals of its use. We then slide forward to a battle where a pregnant woman has been mortally wounded. Her husband, Corin (Ron Perlman), performs a Caesarian so she can name her child before she dies; she names him Conan.
Next we see Conan (Leo Howard), he is 14 and a combat prodigy. Unarmed and alone in the forest, he kills four enemy warriors. Having proven himself, his father takes him to forge a sword. He explains that the secret of steel is fire and ice. Later, while training Conan in swordplay, he notes that Conan is all fire, no ice. He has not yet earned the sword that he made with his father when Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang) sacks the village in search of the last piece to the broken mask. Conan make particular note of Zym's lieutenants.
Some years later, we find Conan (Jason Momoa) attacking slavers and carousing with pirates. As chance would have it, he encounters one of Zym's lieutenants and discovers that Khalar Zym is still looking for a pureblood descendent of the Ancients. Ancient blood is the only way to activate the reassembled mask. Conan sets out on his path of revenge.
Zym's army strangely hauls a sailing ship, which is the home of Zym and his daughter while on the road. It also serves as a battering ram. However, when Conan later escaped to sea after an epic battle, you expect the enemy to chase him in this ship they have been dragging around. Nope. You never see the ship again. Why? I get the feeling that there was a plan for a ship to ship battle but it got cut for budget reasons or something like that. Thus, it is just annoying. Of course, there is a sea battle and the bad guys arrive in… a rowboat.
Our heroine is Tamara, the pureblood who is sought. She has spent her life in a hidden monastery. Of course, if she is the last of the purebloods and her death would forever disempower the mask, why didn't the monastery just kill her? Along that same reasoning, why do the villains keep attacking Tamara with blades? It is as if every one of them doesn't realize she is needed alive. Luckily, they all suck and can't seem to land a blow. But it gets really irritating that bad guys run at her with swords. Didn't Zym say something about wanting her alive? Clearly, it is supposed to make the action more exciting. Oddly, she proves to be a surprisingly good combatant compared to the villain's goons. When tossed a sword that she can barely lift, she nonetheless dispatches two armored soldiers. These guys really do suck.
Zym's daughter (Rose McGowan) is a sorceress. She can taste the difference between typical blood and ancient blood. She can sense the pieces of the mask, no matter how well hidden. At one point, she conjures a bunch of warriors out of sand, which was pretty cool. However, it the big finale, she fights with long nails. Is that the best you've got? No flashy spells or warriors made of fire or stone? Just metal fingernails? Sigh.
Khalar Zym doesn't hold a candle to Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones). He's your run-of-the-mill villain out to rule the world. He says standard villain lines and does standard villain stuff. Yawn. His daughter is also from the cookie-cutter school of villainy.
Though I like Jason Momoa, I had a difficult time of viewing him as a Cimmerian. The Cimmerian are a northern people while Momoa is pretty clearly Hawaiian. He's good with a sword and certainly has the musculature for Conan.
Explosions. Why do there have to be explosions?
I could go on but I have probably said too much already. I enjoyed the film but I seriously doubt it will spawn a sequel. It's going to be a long time before there's another Conan movie.
The movie opens with a narration by Morgan Freeman. When talking about the history of the Hyborean Age, it shouldn't sound like a kindly father putting his kids to bed for the night. It should be a threatening and powerful voice, not a gentle fatherly one. Anyway, that's a minor bit. The narrator tells us of a mask of power that was broken long ago and gave a glimpse of the rituals of its use. We then slide forward to a battle where a pregnant woman has been mortally wounded. Her husband, Corin (Ron Perlman), performs a Caesarian so she can name her child before she dies; she names him Conan.
Next we see Conan (Leo Howard), he is 14 and a combat prodigy. Unarmed and alone in the forest, he kills four enemy warriors. Having proven himself, his father takes him to forge a sword. He explains that the secret of steel is fire and ice. Later, while training Conan in swordplay, he notes that Conan is all fire, no ice. He has not yet earned the sword that he made with his father when Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang) sacks the village in search of the last piece to the broken mask. Conan make particular note of Zym's lieutenants.
Some years later, we find Conan (Jason Momoa) attacking slavers and carousing with pirates. As chance would have it, he encounters one of Zym's lieutenants and discovers that Khalar Zym is still looking for a pureblood descendent of the Ancients. Ancient blood is the only way to activate the reassembled mask. Conan sets out on his path of revenge.
Zym's army strangely hauls a sailing ship, which is the home of Zym and his daughter while on the road. It also serves as a battering ram. However, when Conan later escaped to sea after an epic battle, you expect the enemy to chase him in this ship they have been dragging around. Nope. You never see the ship again. Why? I get the feeling that there was a plan for a ship to ship battle but it got cut for budget reasons or something like that. Thus, it is just annoying. Of course, there is a sea battle and the bad guys arrive in… a rowboat.
Our heroine is Tamara, the pureblood who is sought. She has spent her life in a hidden monastery. Of course, if she is the last of the purebloods and her death would forever disempower the mask, why didn't the monastery just kill her? Along that same reasoning, why do the villains keep attacking Tamara with blades? It is as if every one of them doesn't realize she is needed alive. Luckily, they all suck and can't seem to land a blow. But it gets really irritating that bad guys run at her with swords. Didn't Zym say something about wanting her alive? Clearly, it is supposed to make the action more exciting. Oddly, she proves to be a surprisingly good combatant compared to the villain's goons. When tossed a sword that she can barely lift, she nonetheless dispatches two armored soldiers. These guys really do suck.
Zym's daughter (Rose McGowan) is a sorceress. She can taste the difference between typical blood and ancient blood. She can sense the pieces of the mask, no matter how well hidden. At one point, she conjures a bunch of warriors out of sand, which was pretty cool. However, it the big finale, she fights with long nails. Is that the best you've got? No flashy spells or warriors made of fire or stone? Just metal fingernails? Sigh.
Khalar Zym doesn't hold a candle to Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones). He's your run-of-the-mill villain out to rule the world. He says standard villain lines and does standard villain stuff. Yawn. His daughter is also from the cookie-cutter school of villainy.
Though I like Jason Momoa, I had a difficult time of viewing him as a Cimmerian. The Cimmerian are a northern people while Momoa is pretty clearly Hawaiian. He's good with a sword and certainly has the musculature for Conan.
Explosions. Why do there have to be explosions?
I could go on but I have probably said too much already. I enjoyed the film but I seriously doubt it will spawn a sequel. It's going to be a long time before there's another Conan movie.
With his term as Governator done, Schwarzenegger is looking at a return to Conan. The Legend of Conan is in production but we'll see if it ever gets filmed. It would be nice if it was more like Barbarian and less like Destroyer.
No comments:
Post a Comment