Saturday, October 15, 2016

Valhalla Rising

The movie opens on a frigid moor somewhere in Europe around the year 1000. A one eyed man is locked in a cage. It seems he is a slave who serves his master as a pit fighter a la Conan the Barbarian. One-Eye, as he is eventually called, cannot be beaten even in a two on one fight. For reasons unexplained, no one is allowed to own One-Eye for more than 5 years. So, his master sells him. During transport across the desolate highlands, he makes good his escape, kills his guards, and marches back to avenge himself on his former owner. In the process, only one survives: the boy who brought his meals. With nowhere to go, the boy takes to following One-Eye.

While wandering aimlessly, One-Eye and Boy happen to encounter a band of Christian Soldiers who are on their way to the Holy Land. Of course, the First Crusade is nearly a century away. There was a Norwegian Crusade (1107 to 1110) which would be just right for this gang. Perhaps this is when the movie really takes place. Anyway, Boy serves as the spokesman for the pair as One-Eye is decidedly mute. The soldiers see that One-Eye is formidable and are unwilling to fight him so instead they recruit him.

The intrepid band sets sail and are immediately lost in a mist. There is much tension during this overly-long sequence, allowing for distrust to develop between the crew and One-Eye. The crew believes the mist is on account of Boy and tries to kill him. One-Eye instead kills the would-be killer and tosses the corpse into the sea. Feel the tension! Feel the distrust! Inexplicably, when they finally encounter land, some of the crew wonders if it is the Holy Land. None of them have the slightest idea of how to navigate the ship? As it is never stated where they started it is hard to guess what route they planned to take. However, it should have been relatively easy to follow the coasts, which is what Vikings commonly did, so these guys are just stupid. So, where are they? It turns out that they are in what will one day be called Delaware.

The movie ends with a whimper. The crew dies bit by bit, mostly through infighting though occasionally from arrows fired from unseen archers. Despite the deterioration, the leader of the soldiers announces his intention to claim this foreign land and Christianize its people. The crew, those few who are left, descends into madness. At last, only One-Eye and Boy are left as they try to find the ocean. In the final scene, the natives reveal themselves. One-Eye drops his weapons, walks among them, and closes his eye; the natives commence to beat him to death. Boy is left unharmed, standing on the Atlantic coast. Roll credits.

The movie has almost no dialogue. The main character never speaks a word and his motives are inscrutable. There was a point in the film where I thought One-Eye would be Odin (who notably has only one eye). Here might be a tale of the former Ruler of the Norse Gods fallen from his greatness with the coming of Christianity, reduced to slavery, but now free, wreaking havoc among the Christian Crusaders. No, nothing so interesting as that; he's just some one-eyed mute who happens to be an awesome warrior. The mood is oppressive, the pace plodding, and the plot pointless. The dull parts - which constitute the majority of the movie - are punctuated with gory violence. There are numerous flashbacks and flash-forwards, which prove more disorienting than helpful. Apparently, the director was inspired by some rune stones that were found in Delaware and this is his tale of how they got there. Oh. It all makes sense now. So, yet again we have a Viking movie that sucks. Sigh.

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