Monday, October 17, 2016

The Barbarians

In 1987, the company that brought you the Missing in Action series with Chuck Norris, Cyborg with Van Damme, and American Ninja series, produced a film with the twin Paul Brothers: The Barbarians.

The movie opens with a band of gypsies, known as the Ragnit tribe, traversing the lands, bound for regions unknown. Thanks to a deal struck in the distant past, the Ragnits have the right of free passage in all lands, as they are entertainers. Among the entertainers are a knife-thrower, a strong man, a fire-breather, and lots of scantily clad women. This band is led by Queen Canary, holder of the Magic Ruby that has unspecified powers though it is associated with the Ragnits' free passage agreement. The caravan of 4 or 5 wagons is nearly to be border when trouble appears.

Kadar (Richard Lynch) is an evil ruler and wants the storied ruby of the Ragnits for himself. He dispatches a few of his horsemen to attack the caravan. There ensues a battle between galloping horseman and fleeing wagons. Just when it seems the Ragnits have defeated the last of them, they ride into a waiting mob of Kadar's soldiers. Kadar demands the Magic Ruby but Canary refuses. During their initial flight, she had sent away one of her men with the ruby, instructing him to hide it.

Among the Ragnits is a trio of children, orphans adopted into the tribe. There is Kara and the twins, Kutchek and Gore. Kutchek and Gore seek to defend Queen Canary, biting off two of Kadar's fingers in the process. Canary saves the boys from death by agreeing to do all that Kadar asks of her. He vows that neither he nor anyone he commands will slay the boys.

Years go by and the twins are now muscle-bound barbarians. Having been separated all these years, each thinks the other is dead. Kadar puts them in the pit to fight one another. The slow-witted twins eventually figure out that they are fighting each other and escape in a most unlikely manner. And there begins the quest to free Queen Canary, recover the Magic Ruby, and defeat the evil Kadar.

The movie is ludicrous and goofy. The brothers have such great lines as "Hey buddy, nice eye. Do you know where we can buy any weapons?" "Fatty! Who you calling fatty, moosehead?" Yes, it makes one feel immersed in a medieval fantasy world. The storyline is generally just a bunch of scenes weakly patched together into something that resembles a plot. However, some scenes are classic.

At one point, the brothers and Ismene – their female companion – are equipping themselves from the tomb of a long dead warrior. While they were breaking into the tomb, a wolfish creature glares. This might spell trouble and a big battle against the guardian of the tomb. No sooner have they decided who will get the sword and who the axe, when the werewolf appears in the door way! Ismene plants an arrow in its chest but it leaps among them only to have its head instantly lopped off. Okay, so that wasn't much of a challenge after all.

Another great bit is when they fight the dragon that protects the Magic Ruby. Ismene suggests they get into a pit while she lures the dragon over the pit. Sure enough, this happens and the brothers stab for all their worth into the belly of the beast. Gallons of green blood and gore spill on them. They climb into the dragon and make their way through the belly of the beast where they find the corpse of Kadar's sorceress. She had found the Magic Ruby but was eaten before she could escape with it.

Though the Magic Ruby was recovered, Queen Canary was slain. A new queen must be chosen. So, do they have a vote? No, of course not. They gather all the virgins of the tribe – only two of them, no surprise, and place the ruby in the prospective queen's belly button. If it sticks, she's queen. That sounds like a formula for picking a fat queen but it was well-played.

A campy, low-budget flick, it is nevertheless entertaining.

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