Once every century, the two moons align in the night sky. Should a
sorcerer rape a virgin, a dragon shall be born and the lands thrown into
a dark age. So begins our tale.
Fast forward a century. Prince Thadeous (Danny McBride) is the younger son of King Tallious (Charles Dance). He is a self-centered bungler with no apparent redeeming features. His older brother, Prince Fabious (James Franco), is a great hero who has gone on many quests, the latest to defeat a Cyclops that had terrorized the kingdom. He has also rescued Belladonna (Zooey Deschanel), whom he plans to wed at once. His plans are upset when Leezar the Sorcerer crashes the wedding and carries the fair Belladonna away, with grand plans of raping her when the moons align. Mwhahahahahahahaaaaaa!
Fabious declares his new quest is to rescue `his love' and King Tallious orders Thadeous to go along or face banishment. Our two heroes are accompanied by Courtney (Thadeous' lackey), Julie (sort of like a herald?), and the Knights Elite (Fabious' adventuring party on his many quests). The story follows typical fantasy fare: the heroes must consult a sage who tells them that a magic weapon is required to defeat the mighty wizard. The road is full of perils but the heroes finally vanquish the villain, rescue the fair maiden, and save the kingdom.
Unlike most fantasy films, this one has a considerable amount of cursing, lots of puerile sexual innuendo, and a marijuana-smoking scene. Then there is the bad stuff. In a fight with a Minotaur, Courtney is being `assaulted' by the aroused beast. Luckily, Thadeous slays the beast and then decides he needs a trophy. Unable to cut off a horn, he cuts off its manhood and wears it as a necklace. Oh, great. No, that really isn't funny. Fabious is painted as both a great hero and yet horribly naïve. The sage he has consulted before each of his many quests seems to be a pedophile drug addict. Isn't that funny? Sigh. No, it isn't. And Courtney used to be a sex slave with gypsies before King Tallious bought him. Oh, the humor.
As I prefer that things make sense, the plot is a travesty. Why is Julie a neuter? Just so we can have a `man' running around naked? Perhaps that's why he was named Julie. Why did the Knights Elite betray Fabious en masse? Only two every reveal a reason for betrayal and they are weak. Thadeous' transformation into a hero was sudden and unbelievable. That Isabel was thereafter attracted to him was equally incredible. If the Knights Elite were loyal to Leezar, why did Fabious have a long string of successes in foiling Leezar? The only way to enter the labyrinth is with the `one of a kind magic compass' and yet they encounter many skeletons of previous visitors; how did they enter? The movie was assembled without consideration of the big picture.
Isabel (Natalie Portman) plays the movie straight, as if it is serious. Her back story is similar to that of Red Sonja, as are her fighting skills. Sadly, she didn't wear the chainmail bikini. Or did she? She isn't goofy or silly and thus is out of place.
The best thing in the movie was the barbarian who joined the party before attacking Leezar's tower. He was great.
Wait for it to come to TNT, where there will be much dubbing of `F…' and `S…' and `Mother F…..' and so forth. I have no idea how they will deal with the Minotaur phallus around his neck throughout the epic battle.
Fast forward a century. Prince Thadeous (Danny McBride) is the younger son of King Tallious (Charles Dance). He is a self-centered bungler with no apparent redeeming features. His older brother, Prince Fabious (James Franco), is a great hero who has gone on many quests, the latest to defeat a Cyclops that had terrorized the kingdom. He has also rescued Belladonna (Zooey Deschanel), whom he plans to wed at once. His plans are upset when Leezar the Sorcerer crashes the wedding and carries the fair Belladonna away, with grand plans of raping her when the moons align. Mwhahahahahahahaaaaaa!
Fabious declares his new quest is to rescue `his love' and King Tallious orders Thadeous to go along or face banishment. Our two heroes are accompanied by Courtney (Thadeous' lackey), Julie (sort of like a herald?), and the Knights Elite (Fabious' adventuring party on his many quests). The story follows typical fantasy fare: the heroes must consult a sage who tells them that a magic weapon is required to defeat the mighty wizard. The road is full of perils but the heroes finally vanquish the villain, rescue the fair maiden, and save the kingdom.
Unlike most fantasy films, this one has a considerable amount of cursing, lots of puerile sexual innuendo, and a marijuana-smoking scene. Then there is the bad stuff. In a fight with a Minotaur, Courtney is being `assaulted' by the aroused beast. Luckily, Thadeous slays the beast and then decides he needs a trophy. Unable to cut off a horn, he cuts off its manhood and wears it as a necklace. Oh, great. No, that really isn't funny. Fabious is painted as both a great hero and yet horribly naïve. The sage he has consulted before each of his many quests seems to be a pedophile drug addict. Isn't that funny? Sigh. No, it isn't. And Courtney used to be a sex slave with gypsies before King Tallious bought him. Oh, the humor.
As I prefer that things make sense, the plot is a travesty. Why is Julie a neuter? Just so we can have a `man' running around naked? Perhaps that's why he was named Julie. Why did the Knights Elite betray Fabious en masse? Only two every reveal a reason for betrayal and they are weak. Thadeous' transformation into a hero was sudden and unbelievable. That Isabel was thereafter attracted to him was equally incredible. If the Knights Elite were loyal to Leezar, why did Fabious have a long string of successes in foiling Leezar? The only way to enter the labyrinth is with the `one of a kind magic compass' and yet they encounter many skeletons of previous visitors; how did they enter? The movie was assembled without consideration of the big picture.
Isabel (Natalie Portman) plays the movie straight, as if it is serious. Her back story is similar to that of Red Sonja, as are her fighting skills. Sadly, she didn't wear the chainmail bikini. Or did she? She isn't goofy or silly and thus is out of place.
The best thing in the movie was the barbarian who joined the party before attacking Leezar's tower. He was great.
Wait for it to come to TNT, where there will be much dubbing of `F…' and `S…' and `Mother F…..' and so forth. I have no idea how they will deal with the Minotaur phallus around his neck throughout the epic battle.
I gave Your Highness a 4 on IMDb, which was probably generous.
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