Red Sonja

After more than 20 years since I saw it at a small theater in Quincy, CA, I dared to watch it again on September 30, 2008.  It was not pretty.

 

I watched this travesty the other night mostly because a new one is in the works for next year. The movie opens with Sonja (Brigitte Nielsen) being awakened by a ghostly figure. The ghostly figure then explains to Sonja that her family has been murdered and she has been raped by the order of Queen Gedren (Sandahl Bergman). Was Sonja suffering amnesia and thus needed this refresher on current events? No, this was just a crappy way of informing the audience of recent history. Anyway, this ghostly figure grants Sonja unmatched fighting prowess so she can exact revenge. Fine, that sounds great but if this is some vengeance goddess, should she sound like Glinda the Good Witch of the North? Maybe she should sound angry and full of rage. For those unfamiliar with Red Sonja of the comics, the goddess required a vow from Sonja for this gift: that she would never lie with a man who had not beaten her in a fair fight.

When next we see Sonja, she is training in swordsmanship. Does she require training? I thought a goddess just gave her unmatched abilities? Whatever. Enter Kalidor (i.e. Conan by another name) with news that Sonja's sister is dying. Oh, so I guess she somehow survived the slaughter of the family. She races to her sister's side just in time to learn that the Talisman has been stolen and that it will destroy the world in 13 days if it is not itself destroyed. Well, that's pretty important but why does this task fall to Sonja? She wasn't a priestess like her sister. When we later learn that Kalidor is the High Lord who is ultimately responsible for the Talisman, one wonders why he didn't call in his army rather than seek some random girl at the behest of a dying priestess.

Sonja sets out on her quest, making an effort to dump the helpful Kalidor whenever she has the chance. Following the destruction left by the unstable Talisman, she finds the ruins of Hablok, still inhabited by Prince Tarn (a most annoying Ernie Reyes Jr.) and his loyal lackey, Falkon (Paul L. Smith). Sonja learns that the Talisman was stolen by her great nemesis, Queen Gedren. Also, the fastest way to catch up to Gedren is though a pass controlled by Brytag, a notorious villain who charges a toll to all who pass. Though Sonja leaves them in the ruins, this is sadly not the last we see of Tarn and Falkon.

Arriving at Brytag's keep, Sonja must fight Brytag. Of course, one wonders why Brytag was not slain by Queen Gedren's army when it passed through the area but let's not consider that. Though she slays Brytag handily, his horde of men now seeks vengeance. Luckily, Kalidor arrives to save the day and allow Sonja to continue on her quest.

The next morning, Sonja is reunited with Tarn and Falkon. How did they get ahead of her? Did she get lost and accidentally circle back to the outskirts of Hablok? Anyway, the self-important 12 year-old prince and his wise-cracking lackey join her quest so they can avenge their city by fighting Gedren's army. The party is finally complete when Kalidor arrives to save the foolish trio from the `Killing Machine,' a metal water beast that proves barely capable of wounding anyone and seems only to swim in a circle. After escaping the monster, the four heroes can now achieve greatness. Perhaps the most amusing part of the movie takes place in the camp later that night. Kalidor is attracted to Sonja and proposes to keep her bed warm. She declares that she has taken an oath never to sleep with a man who can't best her in a fair fight. Why she took this oath, the average viewer would never know. Kalidor and Sonja fight to a draw, which makes the goddess a liar; Sonja was supposed to be unmatched in fighting.

The quartet soon comes upon Gedren's castle and infiltrates it. While Kalidor and Falkon blunder into every barracks in the place and kill Gedren's army between them, Sonja finds her way to Gedren's throne room. There the two clash in a less than epic fight. It is obvious that Sonja is better with a sword but Gedren has a wizard at hand who teleports her around the chamber and also inflicts wounds on Sonja. When the slow-witted Sonja finally realizes that the wizard in the corner is the problem, she goes to fight him. So, what does this great wizard do? Does he teleport himself to safety? Does he inflict a more grievous wound against his assailant? Does he run, screaming like a little girl? No, he sort of whimpers while holding his hands up as Sonja lops off his head. Some wizard. With her wizard dead, Gedren flees to the Chamber of Lights where the Talisman is housed. Will she use its powers to destroy Sonja? No, she just gets into another sword fight which she inevitably loses.

The heroes cast the Talisman into the abyss that has opened beneath the castle and then flee just as Gedren's keep explodes like the HQ of a James Bond villain. Kalidor declares that he never beds a woman who can't beat him in a fair fight and, happy ending, he and Sonja kiss as the credits roll. Ugh.

The movie is a failure on many levels. Sonja is far too often an observer in this film and often a second fiddle. The fight against the ludicrous water monster was dominated by Kalidor. Kalidor is often the character in charge. Worst of all, where was the chain mail bikini? Though 6'1" Brigette Nelson has the look for the role (mostly), her acting is very flat. It's never a good sign when Arnold Schwarzeneggar is the better actor. Why is the High Lord Kalidor alone? Shouldn't a High Lord have an entourage of troops, at the very least a herald? I know there were a lot of movies in the 80s where kids saved the world and such, but did that have to include Prince Tarn? Ernie Reyes Jr. spends much of the movie saying `Hi-YAH!' while swinging his little sword or showing off his martial arts skills. Oh, but by the end of the movie he has learned humility and is a better prince for it. Blah blah blah. Why does Falkon wield a bone? Couldn't he get a normal club? Bones don't generally do well when parrying steel. And his constant wise-cracks don't add to the movie. Queen Gedren is even more unstable than the Talisman. She's clearly insane and a lesbian to boot – she killed Sonja's family because Sonja refused her romantic advances. Arnold himself declares this to be one of his worst movies. He has threatened to force his kids to watch it 10 times in a row if they misbehave; they are well-behaved kids.

One would think that a new Red Sonja movie couldn't help but be better though I have some doubts. First, Robert Rodriguez is the driving force behind this film, meaning it might look like Sin City while having the ultra-violence of Once Upon a Time in Mexico. Second, Brigette Nelson was 21 years old and 6'1" tall. She looked like a woman who could stand against Arnold. Rose McGowan is 35 and only 5'4" tall. She will not be an imposing figure and her age does not bode well for a sequel. Moreover, she is Rodriguez's girlfriend, so one wonders about this casting decision.

 

Well, the movie obviously wasn't made but it is still on IMDb as in development.  Though the picture on the site is still of Rose McGowan, I don't see her getting the role if the movie is ever made.

 

Amazingly, this was one of the last films done by Richard Fleischer.  He directed the best Viking movie, The Vikings.  He also did Fantastic Voyage, 20,000 Leagues under the Sea, the original Doctor Doolittle, Soylent Green, and Tora! Tora! Tora!  What a sad movie to end a glorious directorial career.